Resistance to Fear
by madame bloodbathe
Summary: 1 haunted house filled with cameras. 13 wrestlers filled with skittles and the desire to win. who will show the highest 'Resistance to Fear' starring; undertaker,the rock, the hardyz, edge and randy orton. chapter 11 up now!
1. the trip

Foreword: Vince McMahon's latest brainchild has been another wrestling reality TV show. He was bored with torturing non-wrestlers on the many 'tough enough' programs and now he wanted to take his frustrations out on something else but still gather ratings. All of the wrestlers wanted to be chosen. If they were, they would get paid for taking a vacation even if it was in a so-called haunted house and not having to worry about being in shape or on time for about 22 weeks. They were going to have it made. Not much time is going to be covered by this story cos it's a 27 hour flight.

**story starts here**

"The 13 specially chosen world wrestling federation superstars are…" Michael Cole spoke loud and clear over the microphone.

"Jeff Hardy, Edge, Randy Orton, the Undertaker… " After each name the audience showed their support or disregard for the wrestlers.

"… Maven, Raven, The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin… " As each name was called the wrestler's came to the stage. It was cold in wwf New York that night. It was snowing outside and backstage all the wrestlers huddled close.

"… Triple H, Kurt Angle, Matt Hardy, Molly and… Lita."

Jeff rolled his eyes and leaned on Edge for support. "God save us all," he muttered. Edge shook with silent laughter. 

"However," Tazz rose to his feet and addressed the crowd, "these tough kids must not only face each other and possibly some supernatural visitors but also a brutal climate, harsh conditions and barbaric peoples," he paused for effect, just long enough for Michael Cole to butt in again.

"that's right down under fans. We're sending them to Australia." 

Matt and Lita were the last ones off the stage after voicing their opinions about the project to the fans and they came across one of the cutest sights they had ever seen when they eventually got off the stage and looked away from each other.

Jeff was curled up on the ground backstage asleep, around him (Also asleep) was Edge, Randy Orton, Maven and Raven. They were surrounded by their baggage and looked like tuckered out puppies in a pet shop window. The only differences being a lot less hair and the presence of Al Snow and Kane. Happy to finally have peace they were now celebrating, each of them were holding a large hose and creeping towards the slumbering boys disguised as men (note from Madame: oh and what men!). Matt got Al's attention and mouthed 'what are you doing?' Al laughed loudly and shouted "paybacks a bitch, boys!!" Jeff the lightest sleeper of the lot looked up groggily. 

Suddenly all 5 of them were showered with ice cold water. This brought on a chorus of cursing that could of made Stone Cold blush if he wasn't at that moment laughing at them. Differences settled and bodies dried, the 13 along with Kevin Kelly (the US correspondent) boarded the plane and prepared for the 27-hour journey. To the horror of most of the wrestlers, they had been booked into economy class 'cos Vince blew heaps of money on the publicity and securing of a 'haunted' house, etc. The seating arrangements are as follows;

Back of the plane. 

Window, Molly, Kurt Angle, empty seat, Aisle.

Jeff, Edge, Randy Orton.

Maven, taker, Raven.

Rock, Matt, Lita.

Austin, Triple H, Kevin Kelly.

Front of the plane.

The Undertaker was asleep as soon as he hit the seat. Everyone else was much too excited. 

Half an hour later Triple H was bullying Kevin Kelly, The Rock was drawing eyes on the back of the sleeping rattlesnake's head. Matt and Lita were asleep on each other's shoulders, Molly and Kurt were being ignored and the Undertaker was still asleep but now he had on a complimentary sleep mask (you know, the ones with optional stickers) with a sticker that said 'wake for meals'. Jeff, Edge, Randy, Maven and Raven were bored shitless. Maven stood up to stretch and saw what The Rock was doing.

"Dwayne, can me and the boys borrow some markers, please?"

"Sure jabroni, what are you usin' them for?"

Maven gestured to the face of the sleeping taker. "We're gonna…"

"It doesn't matter what you're usin' 'em for!" he smiled and handed over 5 brightly colored markers (red, purple, green, yellow and orange). By the time the stewardess had come to wake the Undertaker for his meal, he was a living artwork (well… more so!). They had covered his face (those bits that hadn't been protected by the mask) in bright and lively drawings, they had also designed a new sticker and lovingly placed it on the mask, it read 'please don't laugh at my friends pretty drawings.' She (the stewardess) couldn't help herself although she tried to stifle that giggle. Suprisingly that's what woke the badass up. In one quick movement he ripped the mask of and leapt to his feet unfortunately (for him) forgetting momentarily that he was on a plane. The phenom airborne flew over the seat in front and joined Lita in Matt's lap. The boys that had caused this mayhem couldn't help laughing either, they folded over their drop down trays and nearly choked through laughing so hard. Finally Taker got up and it looked like he was going off to sulk when the young guys realized that he was just going to the bathroom. It struck Edge first. "Um… excuse me, stewardess." She looked up from another passenger and wandered over. Edge was troubled, "does the bathroom have a mirror?"

"Why, Adam?"

"Do you need to freshen up?" Jeff and Randy teased. 

Molly stood up tired of being ignored, "if the Undertaker looks in the mirror, he'll see what you guys did. " she looked smug. "Not that I'd do that cos I'm so pure and." She didn't get a chance to finish, Lita lunged over 3 people and the takers empty seat to thump Molly in the face.

" SHUT UP, BITCH!" Lita wasn't happy that taker had landed on her when he leapt into the air and as a result was capable of many violent things. Molly wasn't the only one to shut up, the entire cabin didn't say a word till the Undertaker got back. He sat down and put his mask on. Jeff got the purple marker and reached over but Maven caught his hand and shook his head violently. Jeff looked confused after all it had been Maven's idea. Randy signaled to Maven that he understood, he pulled Jeff down behind the taker's chair.

"What are you doing, man?" he smacked Jeff across the back of his rainbow head. Jeff raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"He noticed," said Randy pointing "look he's washed it off!" Jeff's eyes grew wide, he mouthed a swear word. He peeked slowly over the chair to be met by Raven. 

"Aaaaaargh!" yelled Jeff caught completely unaware.

"Aaaaaargh!" yelled Raven not expecting Jeff to yell at him.

"Aaaaaargh!" yelled Raven, again not expecting the Undertaker to grab him by the throat and bring him close to his face (still wearing the mask I might add).

"If I catch you drawing on my face, boy. I'll cut you open and draw with my fists on your insides." He pulled Raven closer "you got that?" Raven nodded and excused himself to the bathroom.

Molly was crying and holding her swollen eye, she felt a hand on her leg. When she looked away from the window, it was that drop-kick Kurt. She wasn't impressed so she turned away.

"Molly?" Kurt spoke softly to her as you would a frightened animal, "are you okay?"

She couldn't answer so she just kept crying. This display was breaking Kurt's heart.

"Oh, come here." He held her in his arms until she stopped sobbing.

'Wow,' thought Molly, 'I never noticed how strong Kurt is.' She inhaled slowly to stop herself sniveling. 'Or how manly he smells.'

Similar thoughts were going through Kurt's mind. 'I never noticed how fragile Molly is or how feminine she smells.' Reality caught him. ' Oh god I've got a crush on Molly.' 

While the truth slowly dawned on her. 'Oh my gosh i've got a crush on Kurt.'

'Eeewwww!' 

The last thought hit them both simultaneously. Molly realized that Kurt had pulled her into his lap and she slapped Kurt hard across his fat, ugly face. Kurt moved into the empty seat next to him and held his bright red face. Neither of them spoke to each other for the rest of the flight. 

At the sound of hand on face Jeff, Edge and Randy jumped out of their seats and hung off the back of them. 

"Oh no, trouble in paradise," Randy mocked Kurt, "it's true, it's true." 

Kurt went even redder. "Knock it off, you guys." Then he started to laugh and point at Jeff's face. Edge and Randy looked at each other confused, then at Jeff. 

"Dude, did you get any of your dinner in your mouth?" Edge could barely spit out the words, he and Randy doubled over and laughed until tears streamed down their faces. 

Jeff's face was covered in his dinner and multi-colored candy remnants clung to his facefluff. He had brought skittles onto the plane. Jeff bent over the seat and then proceeded to swing from the overhead compartments. Edge, Randy and Kurt were still laughing but Molly hadn't even looked up. 

'They're laughing at me, I can't believe it I thought they were such nice guys too!' Molly saw red, her knuckles went white. 

"Laugh at this!" she screamed punching Jeff right in his freshly filled stomach.

Jeff's eyes twitched and he froze. The laughter stopped abruptly. Jeff grabbed his stomach, groaned loudly and dropped back to his seat. Randy eyed him cautiously, while Edge jumped up and stood in the aisle, "Jeff?" Randy leant over his friend. "What's wrong?" 

Jeff grabbed for a paper bag, "dinner's coming back, my friend. And it's not happy." He chucked up for all he was worth. Looking miserable and pale Jeff slept out most of the rest of the trip. 

Maven was writing furiously in his diary and Raven was checking out the stewardess, the Taker appeared to be once again asleep. Raven having been slapped several times decided that she really wasn't his type, he snatched Maven's diary and proceeded to read it out loud, "I'll spend every moment of this trip thinking of you, mom." Then a little creeped out decided to just wave in front of taker's face knowing that Maven wouldn't dare risk the Undertaker waking up. Raven ripped couple of pages out of the diary and stuck it deep down behind the taker's belt really quickly. Maven watched horrified, Undertaker knew that he had the diary and would have destroyed him for glancing at his crotch let alone filling it with paper. Maven closed his eyes and waited for the backlash. It never came. Instead of seeing the Undertaker's fist momentarily in front of his face when he opened his eyes, there was only The Rock's seat. He looked at the Taker, who didn't seem to have moved at all. Maven let out a loud sigh of relief and dropped his head into his hands. 

#THUNK! #

"Ow!" Maven's head came into contact with the drop down tray. He maneuvered his hands out from under it and rubbed his forehead. Looking down at the tray, there was an odd crumpled ball of paper sitting on top of his diary. 'What a strange way to deliver a message.' Maven thought confused. As he reached for the paper, he heard a strange high-pitched whining. He decided to ignore. His fingers were millimeters from the ball. When Taker's hand shot out and caught him by the wrist. 

"I wouldn't touch that if I were you, boy."

Maven looked up really slowly. Taker had pulled off the mask and was now cutting off Raven's circulation from a rather uncomfortable point. Raven's face was red, his eyes were watering and he was standing inn the aisle jumping up and down. Maven's eyes grew wide and he gingerly crossed his legs as taker reached over and took the paper ball. He put it down the front of Raven's trousers and let him go. Maven was mortified at such cruelty. Taker put on his sleeping mask and went back to sleep, smiling evilly. Raven grabbed hold of the other chairs to steady himself, he looked like he wads about to die. He staggered away in search of urgent medical aid.

'Good god! Taker damn near ripped his balls off.' Maven couldn't help but wince…and go to sleep.

"I'll kill her!" Lita was still fuming. 

"You tell her, hun." The Rock smiled.

Matt spun to him, "don't encourage her, please." He pleaded turning back to his mildly pissed off girlfriend, "violence never solved anything." That remark got him the glaring of a lifetime. Matt shuddered. He hated it when she was like this because anything could set her off on a mad killing spree.

"I think you should agree with her, let her mutilate Molly, then go get you some pie." Rock suggested loudly winking at Matt.

Matt was speechless. Lita wasn't.

"Sound's good to me." She laughed and stood up rubbing her knuckles, "Molllyyyy!" she dragged out the name to get her victim's attention. Matt pulled her back to her seat by the waistband of her pants.

"Hey!" she exclaimed, "you trying to get into my pants?" Lita rapped his knuckles with her own and pulled away. Matt stopped and looked like he was silently weighing up the pros and con's (as you do, I suppose). 

"Actually, " The Rock piped up again, "it looks to The Rock like he doesn't want to get 'into' your pants. He looks like he's tryin' to get you 'out of' your pants."

Matt started to reply then changed his mind and nodded at her. 

"Oh really?" Lita stood over him with her hands on her hips. Matt lowered his head and did the puppy dog face.

"Oh, alright." She rolled her eyes and sat in his lap. As they started to kiss, Lita saw The Rock watching, and laughing and waving. She poked Matt hard in the chest and pointed to the smiling Samoan. 

"Excuse me do you mind?" Matt was gritting his teeth.

The Rock pointed to his own chest, "does The Rock mind? No you just keep on going there jabroni." Matt was now grinding his teeth, Lita looked around and noticed a couple of empty seats at the back of the cabin. 

"I have a better idea." She said pulling Matt to the rear of the plane. The Rock just laughed again and re started his letter to 'pebbles' his daughter.

Stone Cold was still asleep but every so often he would say 'Debra' as though he was in pain and punch the chair in front. 

All along Triple H had been bothering Kevin Kelly.

"You know, The Rock's right. You are a really ugly hermaphrodite" 

Kevin wasn't sure what to do. Triple H had gotten on the plane drunk and seemed to enjoy remaining drunk.

"And you know what else, your son is a weasel." Hunter nudged him, "so what do you think of that huh wise guy?"

Triple H was so inebriated that he probably wouldn't hear him rebut. 

"I think you married a bitch, after you dated a dog and you're getting kinda fat." Kelly smiled at him.

Triple H placed his hands on Kelly's shoulder's, "if you want to talk about dogs, let's talk about your wife…woof, woof."

Kevin was shocked. 'Wow he can still hear me, I wonder if he can still see me?' 

Kevin waved his open hand in front of Triple H's face for a while. Hunter watched it carefully then tried to hit it. Kevin watched in wonder as a drunken Triple H hit himself between the eyes and knocked himself out just in time for Kevin to watch the inflight movie in peace.

(Note from Madame: Matt and Lita rejoined the group around the 20-hour mark.)

**24 and a 1/2 hours later. **

The wrestlers were not very good at changing timezones and they all woke up slowly. Triple H sitting at the front of the group, was told that the trip was coming to an end and that he had to hand out hotel passes and keys (the wrestler's had to stay in a hotel when they got to Australia because their flight came in at 2 am and there is no way in hell anyone in Australia was going to wake up at that time even to let wrestler's into their house). He seemed to have sobered up as he thanked the stewardess politely and took the package off her. He stood to address the merry bunch of travelers.

"I'd like to thank the academy."

At this everyone looked up except Austin still happily asleep. Taker stood up, "Hunter, how many fingers am I holding up?" he was four feet in front of Triple H holding his fist towards him with only his middle finger extending. 

"I'd like to thank the little people like these two…" Triple H looked down at Matt and Lita… more specifically Lita. 

"If I could look down any diva's shirt the way I'm looking at your puppies I would not be able to wrestle cos I'd be…" 

"HEY!" Matt threw himself at Hunter's throat and pulled him over the seat. Lita took this opportunity to charge over to Molly and hit her again and again and again. 

Triple H was fighting to get to his feet, he happened to kick Austin in the head. Austin fully regenerated woke up, saw Kevin Kelly cowering and heard the multiple fights behind him. He lunged over the seat to attack The Rock. Maven stood up and yelled at the Undertaker who had just sat down again and picked up a gun magazine. 

"Stop them they'll kill us all." 

Taker didn't look up, he just shrugged.

"Damn it, GET UP!" Maven slapped the Undertaker upside the head and instantly regretted it. The entire row of seats behind them gasped and leant back. The Taker looked (to put it mildly) really pissed off. Raven took this opportunity to pissbolt (for all no-Aussies this means to start running as though one's life depends on it) into the aisle where he fell and hit his head, he half sat up rubbing his head. Maven was terrified but decided that the best defense was attack, in the 2 squared feet he had to himself he pushed off the side of the plane (still in the air and tilting slightly) and tackled the Undertaker. The both of them heavily involved in brawling fell on Raven who simply squealed. 

Kevin Kelly was hiding. Jeff slowly climbed over the seat of the mad wrestlers and sat next to Kelly. Edge and Randy looked at the ensuing carnage then at each other.

"You wanna?"

"Yeah, alright."

They pushed each other (like the Dudleys used to) then launched themselves over their chairs and onto Kurt Angle. The stewardess walked in and screamed. The only people associated with wrestling that were not fighting were Jeff who was conveniently asleep and Kevin Kelly who was trying to hide behind an issue of women's weekly (magazine for Australian women). Jeff, who rarely got angry, seeing the stewardess so upset, took it upon himself to stop the free-for-all.

"Guys this is really immature, I mean even for me. " 

Jeff was silenced by Kurt's foot. It hit him in the face with an astonishing force knocking Jeff over and driving Kevin Kelly into the window seat to cower.

Randy and Edge stopped fighting long enough to realize that they were no longer hitting Kurt but each other. 

Taker, head bleeding profusely, looked over the plane. In the aisle in front of him nearly unconscious were Jeff and Kurt Angle, below him in a similar state were Maven, Raven, Stone Cold and The Rock. Behind him Matt, Triple H, Edge and Randy were fighting to breathe.

The Undertaker shook his head sadly, this was not what he became a wrestler for. About to call an end to the massacre he noticed, on the row of seats previously occupied by Molly and Kurt, Lita was thrashing Molly. Molly was in worse shape than Maven whom he had personally ground up and spit out and Lita wasn't tiring.

'Damn,' Taker just stood almost hypnotized by Molly's bloodied face, 'Good God, is she still alive?'

"Alright, Hellcat" avoiding the flailing arms and legs, Taker lifted Lita off Molly's battered and broken body and into her own seat. He pointed a ham-sized fist at her, "STAY!"

A piercing wolf whistle sounded. Everyone looked up at the captain. He had a big freaky smile on his face. "If you don't get back to your seats, I'm dropping you off here. I mean it this is the end… of your 27 hour flight. Welcome to Australia everyone."

TO BE CONTINUED…


	2. there wont be a next time

A Really Long Foreword:

The group have just been transferred from the hotel to the house, (they couldn't get anyone to open it and had to wait until morning, remember). Let's explore it with them. The front of the house is brown, really dark brown. There is a small garden with no grass and a low fence. The house is shaded by large oak trees that seem to bend inwards. The house can only be entered from the side. The door opens to a small hallway. On your left is a square staircase. On your right is the dining area. In front of you is a half wall (up and across about four feet separating the dining area from the living room). Behind/over the wall is a large room with a large TV and two luscious leather lounges. All furniture is dark brown. In the 'family' room wall is a doorway, with no actual door. Through the door is the kitchen with all usual accessories and a walk in pantry. There are French doors opening onto a porch/balcony/verandah that leads to the back garden. The garden is a huge rectangular block of land, there are trees and vines covering the fences so that it doesn't look like a prison. There is a pool sort of in the shape of an 8 and a double garage opposite. A quarter of the shed is a laundry with washing machine, dryer and presser. The rest of the shed is a gym/ wrestling ring set up for anyone that wants to work. The shed is sound proof. Back into the house now at the foot of the stairs. Almost every stair creaks. At the top of the stairs is an L shaped corridor. You are at the top of the L, by the way the L has been reversed. Walk forward to your left is the first bedroom, it has four beds, the room is labeled 'alpha.' Walk forward again, you are now at the second bedroom, it also has four beds, it is labeled better (not 'beta', 'better'). You have now completed the long side of the L. turn to your right walk a little then stop. To your left is a bathroom it belongs to all the males in the house. Directly in front of you is a small room that has only two beds and a bathroom, it is not labeled. To your right is the final bedroom, it has only three beds and is labeled 'bummer'. Behind you is a pull-down trapdoor staircase to the attic. All rooms have ceiling fans and windows. There is nothing in the attic and the bathrooms are simple. There are thumbnail cameras everywhere but they are invisible to the naked eye. Due to a timing error on Vince's behalf the cameras will not display to the viewers what happens in the first day, and that's probably a good thing!

***Story starts here***

"All right! Shut up!" Triple H bellowed from the twist in the upstairs corridor. "Due to some of the antics on the plane, our room mates have been decided for us." The assembly groaned. Triple H took the list the hotel had been faxed and proceeded to read it out while balanced on his suitcase.

"Randy, Raven, Edge, Maven." He pointed to the first room. "You four are in 'alpha'. DON'T GO ANYWHERE! I have other announcements to make." The four guys stood together.

"Taker, Austin, Rocky and myself will be in room 'better'. Both Hardyz and Kurt are in 'bummer'. " The Hardyz glared at him and he readily glared back. "Don't like it? Tough shit! Molly, Lita, you're together in room nameless. Have fun!" 

Matt grabbed his girlfriend and held her to prevent her escape. 

"I have other announcement's assholes!" Hunter cleared his throat when the 'alpha' males started to move off, "the cameras get turned on tomorrow that means as soon as you wake up, you are in CHARACTER! The wrestling shed and laundry are sound proof so as not to upset the neighbors. The deal with the house is, if you want out, you call from this cell phone and tell Kevin Kelly you want out. " He cast a blood shot eye over the troops. "I took the liberty on the plane of writing a cooking and cleaning roster for the house and I know that everyone who counts will like it. The next…" 

People behind Kurt were starting to get restless.

Kurt stepped forward, "what ever you have to say Hunter I will agree with, I trust you. Do I smell bourbon on your breath?"

Molly stepped forward also, "I trust you, just like Kurt. Hey I can smell it too!"

Hunter smiled this was going to be fun. "Kurt. Molly. I'm glad I have your support and I knew that I could count on you two to interrupt me. So what I was going to say was the next two people to speak will be in charge of every thing, well done guys!" he jumped off his suitcase and walked into his room. "Oh yeah, Molly and Kurt? I'll be wanting my lunch when I finish unpacking or there'll be hell to pay!!"

Everyone laughed and went to their room to unpack except Matt, who didn't think that Lita should be alone with Molly just yet, and Molly and Kurt who tipped their stuff on the floor and went to the kitchen. They guys were lazing on their beds and talking about it being just like summer camp while Kurt and Molly made lunch. 

Matt walked into Lita's room behind her. Molly had tipped her stuff everywhere and it was all PINK! Lita's breathing got deeper and heavier.

Matt ran for it calming instructing all around him to do the same in three simple words, "SHE'S GONNA BLOW!"

All the 'manly' men raced into 'better' and dived under Taker's bed while he shook his head at them. Lita walked past threw him an evil look and he bit the dust as well. 

Kurt walked up the stairs, "hi, Lita."

She was unnaturally calm, "hello Kurt, where is Molly?" Kurt shivered her face was expressionless, her voice toneless.

"She's downstairs chopping up the salad with a big knife. You should see it…"

Lita smiled at his cheerful reply it was almost as if he knew but her silence was making him suspicious.

"I wanted to apologize for my earlier actions, regarding the plane trip. I feel terrible."

Kurt smiled and moved out of her way. He heard her steps pick up speed at the bottom of the stairs. 

"Guys?" Kurt walked into every room twice and still failed to notice the 10 larger than full-grown men sardined into the small space under the Undertaker's bed. The Undertaker pulled himself out of the mass of bodies and got to his feet. 

"You guys disgust me, you're afraid of a woman." Kurt walked in, the floorboards creaked a little.

"Oh shit she's back!" Taker dove to his stomach again. 

Kurt put his hands on his hips, "are you guys playing sardines?" everyone rather embarrassed got up and stood in front of Kurt. Randy was itching to ask a question but he didn't want to break the eerie silence… he did anyway. 

"Yo Kurt, what did Lita say?"

Matt and Jeff looked at Kurt. Everyone else looked around confused. It seems that only Randy and Kurt knew that Lita had spoken but only Kurt knew what she had said. Kurt was the most confused. 

"She said hi Kurt where's Molly? And I told her. So what?"

Edge caught him by the throat, "Kurt. It is very important that you tell us exactly -word for word- what you told her." 

Kurt was surrounded but he didn't back down, "oh yeah or what?"

Kurt thought he was calling their bluff but he was very much mistaken. Taker grabbed Kurt by the balls and Raven winced. 

"You boys stand outside, I'll talk to Captain America!"

A few minutes later Taker called them all in. Kurt was lying on the floor he was obviously in a lot of pain. 

"All he told her was that Molly was downstairs chopping salad." 

Jeff looked like something had just hit him. "Chopping? As in with a knife?"

When Kurt nodded, Taker wrenched him to his feet by his balls and the gang ran downstairs, almost smackbang into Lita. She turned to them, puffing as though they had frightened her or something. 

"What's wrong amigos?" she was setting the table, she put down the plates. "Hungry? We're having tacos." Everyone heaved a massive sigh of relief and looked at the ground guiltily. Raven took it upon himself. 

"We believed momentarily that you upon descending the stairwell had brutally done over Molly with both fatal and frightful consequences." 

Everyone looked from Raven to Lita and back again. Raven sighed, "we thought you'd killed her."

Lita looked hurt then laughed, "you thought I'd killed another human being?" the pack sheepishly nodded. 

Taker's voice was clearly capable of being heard, "OH SHIT!" He ran down the stairs, followed by angle, out of the house and into the pool. Amused by the big man and a slightly smaller man running straight into the pool the pack followed to the balcony. Taker was pulling something out of the pool and it looked heavy. The Rock looked from side to side, "well that's the biggest damn leaf the Rock has ever seen!"

The pack laughed. Angle had untied whatever was hanging off the object and the Taker hurled it over the garden to the end of the balcony. Matt Hardy stood on tiptoes, "what is a 200 lb. weight doing in the pool?" Everyone stopped laughing. Taker was carrying something familiar through the garden. Jeff was standing at the back and couldn't see so he jumped onto the kitchen counter inside and did a hurricane impression. 

"Is it a bird, is it a plane. No it's MOLLY!" 

Taker laid her blue shivering body on one of the sofas while Austin and Triple H put Lita in a straight jacket. The younger guys grabbed quilts and towels to dry her hair and warm her up. Molly had almost drowned. The men ate in silence. Lita was forced to sit on the sofa and think about what she had done. Molly was now dry and had been put to bed (by Kurt J ). Lita was surrounded after dinner. They all sat around watching her. Taker wrote something on a piece of paper, folded it, signed it and passed it on. 

"That weight didn't attach itself."

Lita lowered her gaze. 'I didnt want to kill her, really. I just wanted to scare her a little. Oh my god if anything happens to her it'll be all my fault.' She started to sob on Matt's shoulder, he looked at Taker and mentally beseeched him to let him comfort her. Taker heard loud and clear and shook his head.

'No Matt, not this time' he seemed to say.

Matt pulled away from her. The note was half way around the room. Lita feeling unloved put her head on the arm on the sofa and fought the urge to cry and beg forgiveness. It hurt not to cry. Matt was writing on the note now. 

"Lita," he said firmly. "Read it." He pulled her up and placed the letter in her lap. The paper read; 

****

We the undersigned agree that although you tried to claim the life of a fellow housemate, you will be permitted to stay, only if you perform one task for the undersigned…

Underneath this but before the paper had been folded were the signatures of everyone in the house except herself, Molly and Kurt (still mysteriously upstairs). Her raced, 'what could they mean by a task?' she nodded with her eyes closed. Matt unfolded the paper so that the task was visible. The room seemed to lean in. she saw them in her minds eye watching, waiting. Lita looked at the faces, tears welled up in her eyes. Matt wiped them away so that she could read. She gasped. The Undertaker's writing, the big, black letters screamed at her. There was no way these guys could be serious. She looked at each face in horror. They were serious, all grinning like hyenas. She looked down and read it again.

****

… Next time darlin' get Kurt!

To be continued


	3. the first day of forever

Foreword:

It is the next day shortly after breakfast, someone decides that everyone should go in the pool and so they do. Kurt is the last one to change except Molly who has recently developed a phobia of the pool area (but only in Lita's presence). 

Kurt looked out of the window in the older wrestlers' room and watched the frolics in the pool. Lita was on Matt's shoulders and Edge on Jeff's, in turn on Randy's. Lita and Matt (mostly Lita) were winning. Kurt opened the door of his room and gasped,

"Holy Mary, Mother of God!"

His medals were floating in the air as if held by an unseen hand. Kurt recomposed himself, 'I know this is supposed to be a haunted house but please!'

"REAL MATURE GUYS!" Kurt bellowed out of the window. 

Edge, Randy and Jeff looked up and bit the dust, well water. Lita and Matt jumped up and down in triumph, sort of. Thoroughly beaten the three amigos ran up the stairs to Kurt. Edge and Jeff stopped dead in their tracks in the doorway, bumping into Kurt, who was on his way out quickly. Jeff looked around the room suspiciously and shrugged, "well Kurt I know when I'm beat. How are you doing that?"

Kurt's eyes grew wide, "I thought you were doing it." 

Edge's eyes were fixed on the floating medals, 

"Kurt I know that we are better than you at everything and believe me. We are good but we're not good enough to do … THAT!"

Edge was gripping Jeff's arm. Jeff was gripping back. Kurt's medals were beckoning to them, swaying back and forth. Kurt tried to escape again. 

"Get 'em guys!"

Jeff pushed him forward, "no way dude, they're your medals!" 

Kurt straightened up. He turned on his heel. "Yeah you're right! HEY … THEY'RE MY MEDALS!" Kurt grabbed at his medals but they just floated out of his reach. Jeff and Edge were practically rolling around on the ground laughing at Kurt chasing his medals around the room yelling at the unseen menace, "IF YOU WEREN'T DEAD, I'D KILL YOU!"

** 15 mins later**

Now it was just sad. Kurt obviously hadn't realized that the joke was on him. Jeff and Edge looked at each other and cracked up again. 

"Randy stop this isn't funny anymore." Jeff broke off the game.

Randy let go of the fan, replaced the floorboards and walked out of the attic just in time to see Kurt grab his medals triumphantly ("tired huh? that's what you get for messing with an Olympic gold medalist.") almost ripping the fan out of the ceiling.

"Kurt?" Jeff and Edge had started laughing again. Randy shook his head at Kurt's confusion. He said it again. "Kurt?… we tied your medals to the fan and i've been turning it from the attic, we prized some of the floorboards loose." 

Kurt still looked frazzled. The trio made their way towards the stairs. It was Edge that saw Kurt lunge out of the corner of his eye

"Run!"

They pissbolted (note from Madame: refer to chapter 1 for the definition of pissbolting) down the stairs in much the same way they had come up, quickly and loudly. Down the stairs, through the kitchen, past Molly on the porch, across the yard and into the pool. Followed closely by Kurt who dove into the pool fully clothed and really pissed off. Kurt thrashed about in the pool after the younger guys who in turn swam lazily away. Randy was at the pool steps feeling safe and rather proud of himself when Kurt wrenched the back of his shorts.

"AARRGGHH!" Randy started to run and Kurt tightened his grip. Everyone cleared a path. Randy used his last burst of strength to pull free.

**RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!!!**

Randy's shorts were still in Kurt's hand but Randy was no longer in them. Molly fainted, Lita whooped and the other guys cheered as Randy streaked around the garden (much to Kurt's horror). Kurt was paralyzed with disgust, he eventually dropped the unsanitary item and raced inside, ignoring Molly's body on the grass, to wash his hands. Triple H noticed a murderous glint in Lita's eyes again and carried the innocent into the living room placed her on the sofa and strolled outside to rejoin the others.

By now everyone was lounging outside the pool fence, on the grass. Raven reading a book that he had mysteriously gotten from no where, Stone Cold Steve Austin and the Rock were sleeping on the ground soaking up the rays and the others were sitting around Lita listening to her explain her murderous attempt on Molly's life.

" …When Kurt told me that Molly was in the kitchen holding a big knife. I knew that she was feeling insecure, I mean who cuts salad with a butcher's knife? Anyway I knew that there was no way she would use it against another human being even in self-defense. So now I had to get her out of the house quickly and quietly, and without her getting suspicious… so." Lita got to her feet and tried to use Matt as a model but he kept trying to cop a feel, so instead she swooped on Jeff.

"I walked into the kitchen, looked at her face and ran outside pretending to be crying." She paused gesturing for Jeff to get up.

"I looked at the shed and realized it was perfect, big, filled with weapons and sound proof. I knew she would… Jeff, STOP IT!" Jeff was wiggling his head as though imitating her, he was acting all 'gurlie' making everyone laugh.

"ANYway," Lita continued, "I ran out of the kitchen thinking that she'd follow me, when she didn't I came back in and told her in no uncertain terms to follow me." Raven put his hand up. Lita pushed some stray hair out of her face and nodded in his direction.

"I take it that means you grabbed her by her shoulders and pushed her along in front of you using sheer brute force, yes?" he said bluntly. Lita glared at him.

"Yes I did. Happy?"

Raven shrugged and went back to reading his book. 

"So I take her outside and we go into the shed, for the love of…WHAT NOW!"

Raven had put his hand up again. "Why the shed?"

"Because CRETIN (note from Madame: English word means 'foul creature') the shed is sound proof so the neighbors wouldn't think that someone is being viscously beaten, when they are. By me." She stopped again, "so we go into the shed, I tell her to look under the ring. THIS HAD BETTER BE GOOD RAVEN."

Raven for the third time had his hand flailing wildly in the air, "looking for what?"

"What does it matter? She looked. I went to the trainers' room. I go to the med. cupboard and grab chloroform and smelling salts. I'm not going to explain this part again so listen up this is where it gets good. Molly is on her hands and knees under the ring. Jeff drop!" Lita kicked his legs out from under him, forcing him to his knees. She used him as a prop to model the deed. "I put some chloroform on a rag and jumped on her back as she backed out from under the ring. By putting my knee here I forced her to breathe deeply enough to take it in but not deeply enough to scream, not that it would of mattered anyway." Lita stopped and walked to the side of the porch. She picked up the laundry basket on wheels and wheeled it over to the door of the shed. 

"Jeff come here. Where was I? Ah yes. I picked up the body once she stopped fighting and put it in the basket. I also tied this…" she picked up the 100lb. weight that the Taker had carelessly flung to the side, "to her ankles so that I could be positive that she'd sink. I wheeled the basket to the pool. Jesus! Jeff you weigh a ton." Jeff was lying on his back in the basket holding the weight in his arms. Lita tipped him out (along with the weight) onto triple h and pushed the empty basket to the poolside. Jeff laughed the game was mildly pissed (drunk) and thought the sky was falling. He stood up and looked at the sky in wonder. 

"Sit down asshole" Taker said trying to get Triple H's attention away from Jeff who had doubled over and was about to walk straight into a pedigree. It didn't work. Jeff got pedigree-ed, on the grass, in the shade, by the pool. Lita cleared her throat loudly,

"Guys I'm not finished!" waiting until they were all focused on her again, "I wheel this to the pool with Molly and the weight in it." Jeff had taken his time but he was now back in the basket. "Jeff, you really do walk into these things don't you? Then I tipped her out."

"OUCH!" Jeff protested landing hard on his shoulder on the cement. Lita laughed at his pain, as did everyone else.

"I needed her to wake up otherwise, she wouldn't take in water. She'd just float and I needed her to wake up fast. That's what the smelling salts were for. So she wakes up in time in time to see me push the weight and her into the pool."

Jeff having learnt his lesson from before jumped the pool fence to avoid this part of the demonstration. The UnderTaker started to laugh. 

"That's when I looked out of the window. I saw something red run into the house and I saw something in the pool moving. She must have been trying to untie the knots. Then she looked up, we locked eyes then she tried to scream. All I could see was air escaping. That's when I came down the stairs." He explained picking up Jeff and 'gorilla-pressing' high over his head and throwing in the pool. Lita nodded.

"Thanks I'll remember that next time disguise the bright red hair. Anyway I threw the basket over there," she pointed to where she had just picked it up from. " Then I jumped the fence, ran through the kitchen, grabbing plates on the way, stopped at the dining table and doubled over so if you did come down the stairs you wouldn't realize I was breathless."

Taker rubbed his hands together, "I never realized how… deliciously evil you are."

Lita slightly uncomfortable at this remark shrank back into Matt's arms to watch with everyone else as Jeff repeatedly back-flipped into the pool.

When Lita finished explaining her plan, Molly woke up on the couch, slightly confused as to how she got there until she looked out the window and saw Randy still bare-buttocked push Jeff into the pool. She noticed immediately that Kurt wasn't there, decided that he must have been the one that carried her inside and went to look for him. Kurt when Molly found him was asleep on his bed, he had started to get changed into his swim trunks, and then it seemed he had changed his mind. He as a result of this had on only boxers and socks. Molly stood in the doorway watching his chest rising and falling. Without meaning to, she walked over to the bed and sat down next to him. At the exact moment she sat, Kurt grabbed her roughly, pinned her arms to her sides and climbed onto her so that he was sitting on her.

"RANDY ORTON, BY GOD I OUGHT'A… MOLLY? Oh my god, I'm so sorry!" Kurt got off her and tried to figure out how he had mistaken his sweet, innocent, beautiful Molly for Randy ort… beautiful? Wait a minute!

Kurt looked at her rubbing her wrists to make the bruises fade. "I'm so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?" he sat on the bed next to her and took her hands in his. 

"Of course Kurt, I could never stay mad at you." 'Did I just say that?'

Kurt smiled, "oh good." He gave Molly a big bear hug, he picked her up and spun her around but he fell over and ended up on the floor with her on top of him. Both were a little creeped out by this. Molly avoided eye contact 'til she got to her feet. She stood up looking sheepish.

"Kurt?" he looked up at her, she took her shirt off, "if you want me, come and get me!" she tossed the shirt across the room and walked into the girl's bedroom. Kurt looked at the shirt that had landed in his crotch. He bolted into the girl's bedroom after her, closing the door behind him.

Out in the yard Jeff is carrying Maven and trying to slam him into the pool, Raven is reading and everyone else is where they were before except for triple h who has just walked inside to get a towel from his room.

"Are you really a man?" Stone Cold Steve Austin asked Matt. Matt hugged Lita closer to him to emphasize his answer, "yes, I like to think so."

"Lita?" Austin turned his attention to her.

"Yes, Steve?"

"Is he a man?"

This brought 2 reactions; 1) the older guys started paying more attention, 2) the younger guys started yelling "say no, say no!"

But before Lita could answer, Triple H sauntered out,

"There are strange noises coming from the girls bedroom and I can't find Molly and Kurt." Triple H wasn't bothered, he'd heard people screwing before but he had assumed it was Matt and Lita. Matt looked at Jeff, Jeff looked at Matt, they both looked at Lita. Lita shrugged.

Austin laughed, "Kurt's a man. Who knew?"

Rock was pondering, "if they are enjoying themselves now what if they wanted more entertainment later?"

Taker laughed, "they'd keep you boy's awake wouldn't they? Speak up boys, come on."

At that particular moment Molly's voice rang out.

Maven leapt to his feet, "oh god Lita's at it again!"

Lita pulled at his leg and slapped him. 

He moved aside, "sorry force of habit."

Lita slapped him again "yeah so was that."

Suddenly Lita shuddered, "oh hell no!" she grabbed Matt by the arm and Jeff by his trunks and pulled them into the house.

**Upstairs a little while later**

"Got it?" Lita had explained her plan. The hardyz nodded. Molly could be heard singing in the bathroom. Matt and Jeff had the chloroform. They ran in, put Kurt to sleep and hauled the body into the corridor. Jeff took his place in the bed covered by the sheets, Lita took her place in the closet and Matt fitted a bolt to the attic door. Light flooded the bedroom as the bathroom door slid open. Molly walked out, partially clothed (note from Madame: thank god!) and got back into bed with 'Kurt'.

"If I'd known what you were capable of Kurt angle," she said playfully scratching his back, "I would have shacked up with you a long time ago."

Jeff hidden under the covers started to pray that: a) Molly was clothed, even partially and b) she wasn't expecting anything more from 'Kurt'. When she started to scratch his back he had winced at the pain, Molly wasn't so gentle after all. Jeff rolled over to face her. He pulled the blankets over his head further while finding her wrists and holding them tight above her head. Molly giggled, then stopped suddenly. 

Her voice began to shake, "Kurt? How long have you had that tiger tattoo?"

Jeff threw the covers, wide open, "not long." 

"And did she scream?" Maven asked fully aware that Molly was behind him.

"Oh did she ever!" Lita had just told everyone after dinner when they were still sitting at the table. Matt had locked Kurt in the attic to 'recover' from his exertions but Molly had been forced into clothes and down the stairs in tears after Lita had burst out of the closet and thumped her until she stopped screaming.

Austin and Triple H had broken out the booze and now everyone was merry except Molly and Kurt. 

"Kurt must be hungry, I'll take some dinner to him."

Molly stood to get some dinner for herself and Kurt. Stone Cold Steve Austin laid a hefty paw on Molly's shoulder, "I don't think so. Nah. Eh, eh." He pushed her back into her seat, "the reason he's up there is to keep him away from you. WHAT? I said, the reason he's up there is to keep him away from you."

Triple H decided shit-faced as he was that he would join in too. 

"Yeah is that too complicated for you whore?" Molly's eye joined her hands in her lap.

Hunter stood enraged, he grabbed a handful of her hair, "I SAID IS THAT TOO COMPLICATED FOR YOU, WHORE?!" 

Molly tried to prize loose the vice but when she had moved a couple of his fingers he tightened his grip on her fingers and her hair. 

"No" she whimpered. Man, was she gonna regret saying that. 

"OH SO NOW YOU'RE SMARTER THAN ME, IS THAT IT?" Triple H picked up a large knife, the Rock got to his feet.

"Don't do something you'll regret." He said it half-assed and sat down again. Molly started to get scared no one seemed to care what happened to her. Triple H grabbed another beer in his free hand, Molly hadn't noticed that he had put the knife down. He walked outside dragging her with him. All anyone at the table could hear was her pleading and begging him not to hurt her. There was an awkward silence at the table when the shed door finally closed. The Rock broke it.

"So who wants to watch TV?" 

"I do."

"Me!"

"Yeah." Everyone stomped into the living room and got comfy for the horror movie marathon.

In the shed Hunter threw Molly to the ground. She lay there shaking, staring up at him. He put down his beer and lunged. She started to crawl away but didn't get far. Hunter grabbed her leg just above the knee and flipped her onto her back. Molly paralyzed with fear began to pray as he climbed over her legs. 'Oh my god he's going to…'

"You know Hunter if you weren't working for me, I might be jealous of the way you're sitting on MY Molly."

Kurt stood over them and Molly possessed by a strength she had never known pushed Triple H aside and threw herself into Kurt's arms. She was in tears.

"I…I… my Olympic hero." Triple H got off the floor and went to retrieve his beer from atop the washing machine. Molly was still in Kurt's arms, crying into his shoulder.

"What's wrong?" Kurt was troubled by Molly's pain.

"No one tried to help me and… and I thought he would… he… I was so scared… but." Molly stopped abruptly, "weren't you locked in the attic?"

Kurt carefully separated Molly from his chest and gently turned her head. There was something in the ring, but the ring was in darkness.

"Stay here!" Kurt persuaded his hands to let go of her waist and he ran away. Suddenly the lights came on, pink light flooded the ring. Lighting up a cute little table set for two, a bottle of wine on the table and a crystal vase with a single red rose.

"Like it?" Kurt walked up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist again. She turned to face him, "I love it and I love you Kurt."

Triple H took this as his cue to leave beer in hand. He entered the living room. Raven looked away from the carnage in the movie, "did she like it?" 

Hunter smirked, "listen for yourself." 

Raven looked at Maven, then Randy then Jeff and when he was convinced that they also had no idea what the game was talking about, he went outside. Maven, Randy and Jeff followed. The 4 of them stood on the balcony looking at the yard before them. 

"Hey Triple H, left the door open. That's odd!" Randy exclaimed, "oh well let's go shut it." 

Raven perched on the top of the patio roof. "No I think I'll stay here."

Maven shrugged and ruffled Jeff's rainbow hair. "Race ya?

"Maven takes off, followed by Jeff with Randy closing fast. And I think yes, Jeff takes the lead Maven on the fence and Randy last of all. And Jeff has paused at the window of the shed, a look of horror on his pretty-boy face. Joined now by Randy who is mouthing some sort of obscenity and Maven it seems is about to throw something at me so I'd better get down. OW!" Raven had been doing color commentary on the roof when the washing basket had hit him in the face. Maven did a brief victory dance then walked to the shed. Jeff and Randy had their faces pressed up against the glass.

"What's up?"

Randy gulped, "you don't want to know."

Randy sat in the grass his back to the wall. 

Maven raised an eyebrow, "I thought they were eating."

Jeff also slumped against the wall, "well Molly's certainly got her mouth full."

Maven was bamboozled, "what?" Maven looked into the window, "I can only see Kurt. Where's Molly?"

Jeff put his head in his hands and Randy gave him a funny look.

"She's on her knee's, dude." 

Maven was horrified and momentarily speechless, he looked in the window again, "inside?"

"yep."

"yep."

"They turn, the Herculean warriors with the weight of the world on their shoulders." Raven was crouched next to the steps.

"Didn't you learn your lesson last time?" Maven batted in. 

"Obviously not!" Raven retorted. 

Jeff laughed, "don't you mean nevermore?" 

Raven was not amused, "no!" *confusion* "Jeff that didn't even make sense." Jeff put his arm around Raven's shoulders, "what does make sense? What IS sense?" Raven began to ponder. By this time the happy little troopers had rejoined the majority of the housemates in the living room. Halfway through the movie marathon a very pleased Molly and Kurt walked in arm in arm.

"I hate you all and I hope you die slowly and painfully." Molly announced before walking away up the stairs. Kurt followed. 

"KURT." Taker bellowed.

Kurt felt obliged to creep over submissively. "Yes?"

"Got anything to say?" Taker was hinting at a 'thank you for letting me live although I'm a dumb ass and don't deserve any more kindness than a common criminal' for organizing everything but the answer that he got caused him to leap out of his seat and belt Kurt to unconsciousness. 

Kurt smiled, "oh yeah good golly miss Molly!"


	4. Good Golly Miss Molly

Foreword: since the last episode (which was last night I might add) Molly and Kurt have been frequent bed buddies (all day in fact) as have Matt and Lita (I know, I know) forcing Jeff to take refuge on the floor in room 'alpha' with Randy, Maven, Raven and Edge. It is night time any words that run into another are meant to be that way they are tired /drunken slurs. Taker is limping due to a nagging hip injury that will occasionally get mentioned in this story.

"God! Don't they ever stop?" Maven was sitting on the floor with Jeff. Jeff was tired but every time he drifted off he was woken by someone's lustful cries.

"Shut up, Maven!"

Raven sat up. "That's it I can control my sleep deprivation not a second longer. Jeff. Maven. Cease and desist or get out!"

"Dude," Jeff was starting to slur his words, "I knowyou're tired, weareall tired…"

"They don't seem to be tired." Maven butted in. Jeff half glared at him, "we areall tired… but you don't hearRandy complaining." Raven laid his head on his pillow as if the task of keeping it up was too strenuous.

"Jeff," he said, "he's asleep. Randy it seems could sleep through the hounds of hell next door fornicating on broken glass and tin foil…" Maven butted in again,

"Well if you take away the glass and tin foil, they sorta are!"

"STOP IT!" Raven and Jeff both yelled at him. They instantly regretted it, they heard a blood curdling sound, heavy feet walking. Closer and closer with a drag, quite possibly a limp on the part of the dead man walking.

The Undertaker clad only in boxers (with the words horny little devil written on them) opened the door. (Please keep in mind he is half-asleep and only capable of short sentences).

"It is three in the morning. Don't make me kill you. Stop talking. Don't argue. Jeff, you're the loudest come with me."

Jeff got up slowly, gathered his blankets slowly and slowly trudged after the Taker who had momentarily shifted from view.

"Don't drop anything, Jeff." Raven shouted, " remember, he misses his wife." 

Jeff stopped in the doorway.

"If I should die think only this of me." He gave them the finger, they laughed loudly. Jeff walked off, Taker appeared again. The laughter ceased immediately. Taker walked Jeff to his (Jeff's) room where Molly and Kurt were fooling around. 

"Stay here." he said.

"I have no intention of leaving this spot."

"Don't get smart with me boy." He walked in and shut the door. It got very quiet, suddenly Molly rushed into the corridor on her own and in her night attire. She looked really guilty, she stood out side the 'girls room', eyes on the floor. Taker leisurely walked out holding Kurt by the pants. He marched Kurt to the end of the corridor, pulled down the attic trapdoor and pushed Kurt up the stairs. 

"Kurt, if you come out of there before I come and get you … I'll come and get you. Understand?" Kurt nodded. Taker shooed him I and shut the door. He pushed Molly aside gently and entered the 'girls room' where Lita and Matt were getting extreme. Again it got real quiet and then Lita ran outside in her night attire. She crashed into Molly sending the pair of them into a fit of giggles. Taker came out holding Matt by the pants, marched him to the trapdoor, "ask Kurt, same deal!" shooed him in and shut the door. Taker turned to face the girls, "if I hear you in the night, either or both of you, and the house is not being broken into. I will destroy Matt and Kurt's reason for wearing a protective cup," he waggled a severe finger, "either or both! Get me?" he looked drained but none the less pissed off. "EVER!"

Like school girls being scolded they nodded promised not to wake him up again and went into their own room. Now it was Jeff's turn. "Silence. Understand?"

Jeff nodded, "thanks man."

Taker half smiled, "don't mention it." He started back to his own room.

"Shouldn't you lock the attic? … Taker?" 

The older male turned, "would you cross me?… Jeff?"

Jeff shook his head quickly and got safely behind his door then called, "by the way nice boxers." Jeff stood back to the door laughing silently.

Taker spoke softly through the door, "you like 'em on me, huh? Sara doesn't she prefers them on the floor."

Taker waited 'til he heard the 'thunk' of Jeff hitting the floor and limped back to bed laughing.

Lita and Molly had given up waiting for Taker to go and decided to get some sleep. They stopped their vigil and lay down. Lita went straight to sleep but Molly lay awake wondering 'is it really worth attempting to sneak past the Undertaker and visiting Kurt in the attic? I mean Matt can come down here to Lita but I don't think he'd risk getting caught.' Something occurred to her, earlier Triple H had called her a whore.

'How dare he… if he thinks that is what I am then I guess that's what I'll be. This is going to be fun.' She smiled evilly to herself at the thought. Molly crept out of the bedroom, careful not to wake Lita. She tiptoed next door into 'bummer'. 'Jeff's all by himself and he hasn't much will power, he'll be easy pickings.' She quietly opened the door and sneaked into Jeff's bed. As soon as she hopped in Jeff woke up, "AAAAARGH COLD HANDS!" he whipped around to face her. Both of them froze as the Undertaker's voice rang majestically into the night, "SHUT UP BOY DON'T MAKE ME COME IN THERE AGAIN!" Jeff wide eyed in shock and disbelief, looked down at Molly and whispered, "what on earth are you doing here… oh I see…I…I." By dawn Molly was tucked up in her own bed after a night of 'activities'. 

Lita sat up, stretched and looked at Molly, "well, you were busy last night!" Molly was horrified, "how did you know? You were asleep when I left and when I got back. And I couldn't of made any noise 'cos my mouth was…"

"NO! Don't ever tell me. Ever." She wasn't feeling quite so proud of herself now. Lita was leaning back on her arm looking up at the ceiling. "I woke up nine times, that's every 15 minutes from the time you left. The tenth time I woke up you were back. There were 9 guys in the house that weren't locked in the attic, so I figured you were 'visiting' a couple of them." 

(Note from Madame: yeah that'll teach him a thing or two, he thinks she's a whore so she'll go sleep with every guy in the house to prove him wrong. Good work there, Molly.)

Lita laughed at Molly's crimson face. She got real close, so close she could feel the heat radiating, "so how was it?"

Molly heaved a sigh of relief and lay back on her pillow. 

"PHENOMenal!" she said eyes closed reminiscing last night's fun. 

Lita was stunned (note from Madame: and almost speechless but that wouldn't be any fun would it my pretties?),

"You slept with the Undertaker? that's awful." 

Molly shushed her, "not exactly, I sort just found a certain part of him…with my mouth."

"THE UNDERTAKER? YOUR MOUTH? DUDE THAT'S GROSS!"

At this loud and violent outburst, permeating the morning silence, everyone in the house awoke and sat straight up. All the boys bolted into the Undertaker's room and looked at him mouths open in semi-horror. 

He rolled over smiling, "good morning boyos (not a spelling error) did we all sleep well?" everyone in the room grabbed their stomachs as though about to be violently ill.

Back in the girls room however Molly told of her night's adventures, "not just the Undertaker but every guy in the house." Lita seized Molly by the throat and slammed her head into the wall.

Molly struggling for air coughed, "not Matt, not Matt."

Lita let her go, "good to hear."

There was a terrifying banging on the ceiling, the two looked up as the fan shook.

"You slept with the Undertaker, oh my god!" Kurt's voice could be clearly heard. All guys except for the Undertaker (who was rather pleased with himself I might add), Kurt and Matt rushed downstairs and were violently ill over the back fence. Kurt and Matt were just sick out of a window (note from Madame: look out below, eew!!).

The tired group of men and women dressed, went downstairs and watched TV while Molly made breakfast. There was much protesting and whining over the TV set before Austin decided on a show for all of them to watch, the crocodile hunter a.k.a. the true blue Aussie knob-jockey Steve Irwin. Molly called out of the kitchen, "breakfast, " she smiled at the old cliché, "come and get it."

Raven nudged Jeff, "although that already seems to have been the case."

The gang ran into the kitchen ready to stuff their faces Lita in the lead. Three pancakes and a coffee later Lita looked around and noticed, "hey where's Matt?"

Everyone I silence continued to stuff their faces, save the few who smiled big pancakey grins and pointed up. 

"Shouldn't we let him out now? There aren't any bathrooms up there." Lita hinted. Stone cold looked up from a strong black coffee, "he puked out a window he can take a dump out-a one too." 

Lita looked grossed out and Maven pale. There was a universal, "eeeeewwww!" and everyone pushed their plates away in disgust and gave Austin a dirty look.

"Thank you Steve, now the Rock has lost the people's appetite."

Lita ran upstairs before anyone could stop her and let Matt out of the attic. 

"Can I come too?" Kurt pleaded.

"Um. No and remember if you come out the Undertaker'll get ya." 

Lita and Matt closed the trapdoor and walked away laughing. 

"Nicely done" Matt praised his girlfriend. 

"Thank you Hun, I try." Lita rejoined the others in front of the TV while Matt went to wolf down the remaining pancakes.

**Seven and a half minutes later**

"Wow," Maven turned from the TV to face his companions, "I didn't think I could ever get sick of…" he stood before them and imitated the crocodile hunter.

"Look at her, she's beautiful, just look at those big green scales on her back."

The Rock was soon beside him, "sit down jabroni he says it like this, 'luuk at huh, shis be-yuut-ti-fool, jast luuk at dose biig green scahles on huh back.' Get it right horses' ass." The Rock had them all in hysterics even Triple H severely hung over thought it was funny. Now with nothing to do all eye's turned to the risk-Taker, Jeff.

"What do we do now?"

Jeff's eye lit up, "guys, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Raven held his head in his hands, "obviously not or we'd look like idiots too."

Randy knocked raven over, "tell us, Jeff."

Jeff got to his feet and began to sing (to the tune of bye bye, blackbird), "strip down at the count of the count of three, follow me he he he. LAP OF HONOR." On recognizing the song Edge, randy and Maven joined in and started to strip.

"Someone stole my underwear I don't care I'll go bare. LAP OF HONOR." The boys bolted through the kitchen to the back yard, raven, Austin, Triple H and the Rock caught on soon and followed suit or rather they didn't. The guys much to matt's dismay and the women's amusement proceeded to streak around the garden singing 'lap of honor' and 'the ballad of big, big Pete' (army style chanting song, don't worry, my pets, you'll hear it later in the next chapter, I challenge you to guess what it's about). 

Taker walked out of the bathroom, he put down the magazine (note from Madame: he went for a dump get your mind out of the gutter) and moseyed on down the stairs, what he saw drove him straight back up to get a weapon of some kind. The other males with the exception of Matt (and Kurt still in the attic) were swimming and prancing around naked in front of the women. Instead of a stick Taker grabbed one of Austin's golf clubs (which he brought for god knows what reason) and hatched a plan.

Meanwhile downstairs Matt gave Lita a hug and that familiar puppy dog face, she read him like a book, "you can if you want but I'm not taking part no way no how." 

Matt didn't hesitate to strip and join the others in the pool, in the nude. Lita climbed on one of the balcony posts and sat down, Molly did the same. At the sight of matt's 'nakedness' (for lack of a better word) Molly nearly fell off the post she was sitting on.

'Oh my god Lita's so lucky. The only guy that comes close is Jeff.' She bit her bottom lip, 'I wonder if I could borrow him.' 

Lita laid a heavy hand on Molly shoulder and squeezed until the wincing became bruising. In a voice that only Molly could hear and with no change of facial expression, Lita warned her off. 

"Don't even think about it 'cos if I think you are I'll drop you in the pool again and I wont wake you up this time."

Matt got out of the pool and ran over. Water dripping off his muscular chest and 'others'.

"Come in the pool, please Lita."

Lita laughed, "no thanks I think I'll sit this one out."

Matt ran off, Molly sighed in despair. Lita squeezed Molly's shoulder again, "it's rude to stare. Don't think I didn't notice."

The Undertaker saw the women clearly enjoying the view, so he strolled into the garden brandishing the golf club and with a mighty roar, he chased the guys around the garden and locked them in the shed. He stood outside laughing paying no attention to the pesky kids that were sitting on the balcony complaining that their show had been taken away. 

"You haven't seen nothin' yet!" Taker dropped the weapon and his fingers flew to his fly.

"Shield your eyes." Molly said looking down. 

"Why?" Lita turned her attention from her fingernails and realized that the Undertaker was standing next to the pool … and he had no pants on. Molly turned away with her hand over her eyes but Lita sat staring and laughing and pointing until Taker began to go red. This only made her laugh harder, tears were running down her face.

"I bet he didn't take long!" Lita laughed at her own joke, Molly grabbed Lita's arm and tried to pull her inside. Lita pulled her arm back, "what's wrong you were very happy this morning?"

Molly pointed. The Taker had his pants back on and he was almost literally foaming at the mouth.

"Oh shit!" they ran up the stairs and locked themselves in their room. Lita tipped up the beds and they made a fort, which they both hid behind laughing.

There was a knock at the door.

"Molly, Lita. Open the door please." 

Molly's face lit up, "oh it's Kurt… he's come to rescue us." She ran to the door.

"NO!" Lita stood calmly, "didn't that sound a little forced to you. Remember that Taker said that Kurt couldn't come out until he said so. Right?" she edged her way to the bathroom. 

Molly put her hands on her hips, "now I see. I know that you're just jealous of what Kurt and me have together. Lita, Lita, Lita. I'm sorry that you don't understand but my Kurtie would stand on train tracks to stop a train for me."

'Yeah,' thought Lita maliciously 'then it'd hit him. BLAM. Bye, bye Kurtie.' She laughed to herself. Molly wasn't pleased with Lita, she scowled at her. 

"Well, I don't care what you think, BITCH!"

Molly grabbed the doorknob and opened the door. She gasped Kurt had been brutally beaten on the floor. Lita went into the bathroom to hide, she locked the door behind her. She couldn't resist having a peep though. Molly crouched by Kurt's side.

"My dear." She shuddered, wide-eyed she looked around and up at the Undertaker. He was wearing his old Ministry robes, he was grinning inanely and it was apparent that he had nothing on underneath. He continued, "you obviously remembered from last night that I like you better… on… your … knees." He seized her by the hair and wrenched her to her feet. How long had he been behind her before she noticed him? Out of the corner of her eye she saw the bathroom door was now closed. Taker watched her trembling form. 'Look at her, she's just standing there, she would do anything to save her life and Kurt's.' The Undertaker shook the evil thought from his head, instead he picked Kurt's body and forced her to carry it up to the attic which he locked behind her, he spun on his hell to see Lita watching from the side of the bathroom door. Making eye contact with him in his strange state sent a shiver up and down her spine. She shut the door properly and re-locked it. She heard a sound that made her blood run cold, he had just shut the bedroom door and locked it.

'Great now I'm trapped and he's going to kill me for laughing at the size of his...' she started to laugh again. 

"WHAT'S SO FUNNY?" the Undertaker was behind her.

"How did you?" she fell to the ground in her frantic dash for the door. 'Bastard he climbed through the window,' Lita glanced upwards, 'that must have been cold.'

Taker was growing impatient, he sneered, "I bet you thought you were clever coming in here. DIDN'T YOU? But look at you now, poor little hellcat. Where's Matt now?" 

Lita was on her feet but he had her cornered in the shower. Her right hand darted to the tap, he grabbed at her wrist viscously, then his confusion began to show just as she'd known it would.

"What were you going to do with the tap?" 

Lita looked well and truly beaten, "nothing." He took a step closer and she laughed, "it was a distraction." Taker was puzzled but not for long when her leg buried itself in his crotch. His left eye twitched and he fell. She wandered casually over his body over to the attic to release Molly and Kurt and into the yard to release her boys. After putting on pants they helped her to lift the Taker (still twitching) into the attic.

**Later that night, much later**

"So how was your day?" Lita had told Matt of her 'ordeal.'

"Cold, very breezy."

Taker was slowly recovering in the attic, "LET ME OUT." He yelled.

Matt started to get out of bed but Lita pulled him back.

"No let me." She cleared her throat,

"HEY… DON'T MAKE ME COME UP THERE!"

Note From Madame: Undertaker wasn't really going to hurt either of the girls he was just trying to show then that with naked guys and only two girls things could sometimes get out of hand. But Molly already knew and Lita wasn't afraid to defend herself.


	5. Dead Pigeon Football

Foreword: this is the episode in which you will hear the ballad of big big Pete. But looking over my notes I realize that it is difficult to tell the song from the story so the song will be in bold print. Also this story jumps time a little bit, okay a lot. It starts in the morning and ends at night but the middle of the day has disappeared. I don't know why. I only write this thing to fill in a gap that could otherwise be devoted to senior high school assignments *shudder*. 

**Story starts here**

"A good old fashioned drinking contest, that'll perk you up some."

"No thanks, Steve. I'm fine." Molly looked him up and down, 'how can you drink now, its eight o clock in the morning.' (Austin has already downed a full four and a half pints of bourbon and is still going strong.)

"Look girl! I'm telling you just a shot of this stuff and your whole world will look better, a lot better."

Triple H, the Rock and the Undertaker were laughing at Austin, he had drunken himself while talking to Molly, and he was starting to scare her. Kurt was mortified.

The other's were down stairs, they were all pretty hammered too! Lita was the only exception.

"Jeff, are you all right? You don't look so well!" Jeff looked like death. He was pale, was rocking back and forth and was perspiring heavily. His eyes were starting to glaze. Matt was starting to get worried and (being blind drunk like everyone else) was on his knees in front of his younger brother speaking slowly and clearly into his kneecap. "Can you hear me, Jeff?"

Edge walked in with another bottle of vodka, more salt and lemon.

"Hello my little rays of sunshine, drinky, drinky!" he shook the bottle from side to side towards them. Jeff couldn't hack anymore. He ran upstairs. The older guys heard him coughing and finally vomiting. Triple H was sent downstairs to find out what the hell they were drinking. He didn't come back. Instead Randy came up to check on Jeff. Jeff had crawled to his bedroom, into bed to sleep off the partial drunkenness and nausea. He looked asleep but greeted Randy as he entered with "you're too late, tooth fairy!"

Randy groaned and walked into the room that contained the older guys. 

The Rock and Austin in a heated battle, Taker watching on. Muscles bulging, tension mounting, blood temperature raised to boiling point. 

"So how long have they been arm wrestling?"

" 'Bout 15 seconds, give or take." The tattooed man was highly amused by the ruckus. Rock and Austin bathed in sweat, Molly and Kurt making out in a corner and Jeff once again puking his guts up. After drinking everyone else (except Lita) under the table, Edge walked up the stairs humming, "oh Canada." 

(Note from Madame: alcohol tolerance is a wonderful thing.) He paused outside the bathroom. "Jeff? Dude? You all right?"

Terrified cries answered him. "Edge, dude? Keep speaking I can barely hear you and I think I'm losin sight." 

Edge heard the toilet flush

"I can't see! Edge? Edge?"

Edge panicked busting down the door and almost falling over Jeff's prone body on the ground on front of the toilet. Edge ran a hand through his hair in desperation. 

"Oh god! I'm too late." He shut his eyes to keep the tears from flowing freely.

"Adam?" In his mind Edge could still hear his friends voice calling his real name. "Adam, dude?"

Edge's eyes shot open. Jeff has his head over the toilet bowl and seemed to be searching for something. "Adam, dude?"

Edge leant over Jeff until his reflection could be clearly seen. Jeff was very relieved to see the blonde Adonis. 

"Edge dude? … I thought I'd lost you man!" It dawned on Edge. Jeff was so drunk and dehydrated that he was hallucinating and believed him to have been flushed to oblivion. Edge relaxed and moved backwards, "Edge? Man, I've lost you again!" Jeff was panicking. Edge reached forward to his friends shoulder, "dude I'm right here!" 

{Stop everything here! Quick recount: downstairs we have Triple H, Raven, Maven, Matt and Lita and they're all relatively blind drunk. In the bathroom Edge and Jeff and they're relatively sober. In room 'better' Taker, Rock, Austin, Angle, Molly and Randy. Now that we all know where we stand, lets continue. }

Edge took Jeff's shoulders in his hands. Jeff believed his friend to be in the toilet so being grabbed from behind not only confused him but also scared the living daylights out of him too. 

"Argh!" Jeff yelled flinging his head back until it landed with a sickening thud in Edge's crotch. Edge leapt up shrieking in pain and surprise hitting his own head against the low ceiling, cracking the plaster and scaring Jeff even more. Edge landed on the floor on his ass, Jeff was facing him also sitting. Each looked at the state the other was in and started to laugh. Jeff was wide-eyed and pale and covered in dust. Edge was coated in plaster and white powder. A dead pigeon had been knocked loose. It landed between the merry duo. 

"Argh!" Jeff and Edge yelled in unison. The pigeon was covered in the white powder and dust, which caught the light giving it a eerie glow and aura. One eye was missing leaving a dark crevasse in the soft tissue, the other eye was rolling, dripping down the beak the warm air in the bathroom thawing it from the near freezing corpse. 

Jeff picked it up and threw it at Edge. Edge ducked and the dead pigeon flew into 'better.' There was silence, then a scream, a high pitched, blood curdling, girlie scream. It came from one of the figures in the corner, the one with the shiny gold medals?

"Grow up, Kurt. It's just a pigeon." Molly scolded picking it up by the leg and flinging it effortlessly onto the table upon which Austin and the Rock were arm wrestling and over which the Undertaker and Randy were conversing. Austin leapt from the table yelling all manner of profanities, while the Rock dove backwards under a bed landing on the floor amidst Triple H's porn collection. Randy saw the fear imprinted on everyone's faces and stepped forward but he wasn't quick enough. Molly snatched the bird and threw it at the Undertaker who threw it at Austin who threw it at Kurt (this is tiring or I am lazy so I'm just going to write the order in which the pigeon hits everyone). Taker, Randy, Rock, Austin, Taker, Kurt, Molly, Kurt, Taker, Rock.

The Rock threw the dead feathery object out of the door. It bounced off a wall and hit the banisters, down the stairs, ricochet of a skirting board down the other stairs, rebounded off a chair in the dining room through the kitchen doorway picking up speed on the way to slide gently along the kitchen floor. Stopping right in front of Lita. 

"AAAAARGH! …Rat!" Lita had jumped onto the kitchen counter and said the first thing that came to mind. When she realized that it wasn't a rat she got down. On hearing Lita scream (quite a rarity) Matt, Raven, Maven and Triple H had all looked up from the floor where they were kneeling and playing some sort of parlor game, ready to casually wander over and do the manly thing and rescue the 'damsel in distress' if need arose. Lita had other plans. She booted the dead pigeon into the midst of the merriness. All the big strong manly men vaulted over the tiny corpse and landed safely on the counter that Lita had been on a second earlier. The massive thump of 4 oversized bodies hitting the counter had alerted everyone upstairs and they bounded down the stairs in the stampede to end all stampedes. Austin in the lead, followed closely by Rock and Taker. Jeff, Edge and Randy just behind with Molly and Kurt bringing up the rear. All thundered into the kitchen and froze except Molly, she ran straight into the back of Kurt and it was human dominoes from there. Austin landed his face inches from liquidifying carcass. Lita surveyed the chaotic scene, Matt, Raven, Maven and Triple H almost in pyramid form trying to be the furtherest from the pigeon now well and truly deceased. Austin lying motionless just barely breathing and pale. Plastered between the kitchen door and Austin, huddled together in a sort of a splat, Rock, Taker, Jeff, Edge and Randy. Lita and Molly's eyes locked. 'How odd that seeing the guys so scared of a dead pigeon, Molly and I should unite.' Lita stepped forward so that the pigeon's corpse was between her feet. Austin slowly looked up, Lita had about-faced and now had her back to him. She bent over stuck her butt into the air, grabbed the pigeon in one hand and steadied herself with the other, "Molly?" she said through her own legs, "let's play ball." Molly readied herself for the shot. The men cowered but Matt stood brave and tall. 

"Now Lita we don't want anyone to get hurt, namely you, just put the pigeon down!"

"Hut, hut, hut."

The feathered carcass flew out of her hands, over Matt's head and into Molly's waiting hands. The mood had shifted and the guys tried to pissbolt into the yard in full view of the cameras to stop the madness, the pigeon soared overhead forcing them to stop and tremble before the feminine fury.

Again Lita threw the pigeon over the heads of the petrified bunch. A crash of thunder made everyone jump. Rain was pelting down outside. Kurt got to his feet and laughed at the unease caused by the storm. "This is nothing guys when I went to military camp, they made you do push ups in the mud when it was raining like this." Molly chucked the pigeon to Lita and hugged Kurt. 

"I'm glad I got the tough, brave one." She smirked across the kitchen. 

Lita ignored it. "Kurt you really do walk into these things don't you." It was a statement not a question. Lita opened the back door and tossed the pigeon into the rain. Kurt let go of Molly and stood in the doorway with his back to the red-haired diva. "No, there is no way in heck, you'll get me out…"

(Note from Madame: did that sound like a challenge to you?)

Austin clapped a hand over Molly's mouth to quiet her as Lita backed up. She speared Kurt as he turned around both of them landing outside in the rain, only Kurt hitting the mud. Face first. The dead pigeon forgotten, the rowdy group ran into the backyard and surrounded Kurt. Kurt was still on the ground, Lita was sitting Kurt's back taunting him, "come on Kurt."

"You said you used to do push ups in these conditions!" Molly was determined to prove that her man was superior to Lita's. Lita could see what was unfolding.

Kurt up at Molly, he looked guilty. "I never did it, I sat on the bench. I had a note from matron." 

Molly scowled at him and pushed Matt into the mud beside Kurt. Lita noticed Molly going pink in the poor light of the yard.

"Hey Molly?" Lita got off Kurt's back, "I bet the cleaning and cooking roster that me and Matt can do more push ups that you and Kurt, what do you say?"

"You're on! She's a crappy cook." laughed Triple H pushing Molly into the mud and gesturing to Lita. "Any time you're ready."

Jeff started whispering to his posse (Randy, Maven and Edge). They nodded eagerly. "Lita, do you want army style music?" Now everyone knew what they had in mind and repeated after him when Jeff put a serious look on his face and began to yell. 

(Note from Madame: this is the ballad of big big Pete, feel free to spread it around compliments of 1st platabeen light brigade [they are scouts that like fire].) 

****

There was a girl called Mary Anne!

There was a girl called Mary Anne!

No good man could tie her down!

Stone cold went back into the house.

****

No good man could tie her down!

He re-emerged with a 6-pack of beer.

****

Down the road walked big big Pete!

Austin planted him self on angles back comfortably and proceeded to drink his beer.

****

Down the road walked big big Pete!

With 40lbs of hanging meat!

With 40lbs of hanging meat!

Molly was doing well at the moment she was beating everybody, that is until Triple H decided that this was not to be so.

****

Laid her in the soft, soft grass!

He planted a big, broad foot between Molly's shoulder blades and pushed her to the ground every time she pushed up.

****

Laid he in the soft, soft grass!

Shoved his c*ck right up her ass!

Matt and Lita were now winning

****

Shoved his c*ck right up her ass!

Jeff was struggling to get his words out.

****

Mary let out a big big fart!

He wasn't the only one.

****

Mary let out a big big fart!

Blew poor Pete's balls right apart!

Kurt was struggling to get up.

****

Blew poor Pete's balls right apart!

Finally he just lay down in the mud exhausted, Lita and Matt competing the pushups with ease.

****

Down the road walks big big Pete!

Down the road walks big big Pete!

Triple H was taunting Molly, "don't let me stop you."

****

With 40lbs of shredded meat!

Eventually she gave up too.

**With 40lbs of shredded meat!**

Poor big big Pete!

Poor big big Pete!

Now everyone trooped inside cold and hungry and still slightly intoxicated.

After dinner (time jump) apologies were said and friendships rebuilt, Taker cautioned everyone before bed.

"Not one peep!" he looked at Jeff and his posse. They nodded. He turned away.

"PEEP! PEEP!" they shouted as they pissbolted up the stairs with the Taker in hot pursuit, 

"PEEP!"


	6. lets do the time warp!

Foreword: I do not own or claim to own Anne rice or any of her masterpieces nor do I claim to own Austin Powers or any of 'his' movies (there are only mild references). I would like to apologize for the time jumps in this episode as well.

Halfway through the night Raven awoke, he ran into the girls' bedroom, frightening both of them and waking up the rest of the house. Raven appeared to have lost his mind.

"They're coming and no-one will be spared. You must believe me! Can't you see them? The window, look to the window quickly!"

Triple H and Austin beat up Raven almost beyond recognition. The Rock put him in a straight jacket and Taker deposited him in the attic.

**The next morning**

Kurt, Molly and everyone in room 'better' were training in the shed. Matt and Lita were making out on the sofa downstairs and room 'alpha' along with Jeff was discussing Raven's odd behavior… in the girl's bedroom.

"Dudes, this is not cool. Raven is our friend. We can't just abandon him like this in his most un-awesome time of need." Edge was having trouble keeping a straight face. Maven was reading a thick book on the solar system. Randy was playing with small explosives called 'bungers' (not sure if you have bungers in USA or wherever, but they are pretty much just gunpowder) and Jeff was painting his fingernails black, again. Randy set off a chain of bungers and started to panic when he couldn't extinguish them. Jeff snatched up the bungers and threw them into the attic.

"Problem solved!" Jeff returned to his nails. 

Maven looked up, "what about our friend in the attic. You know the one in his un-awesome time of need?"

BANG!

Edge and Randy winced, "BRUTAL!"

Jeff hopped up. "I'm going to check on him." He walked up the stairs to the attic, "Raven? Dude?" Jeff came flying out of the attic, Raven still in the straight jacket, had sorta jumped at him and hoped for the best. Jeff landed hard on the back of his head. Raven ran into 'alpha', picked his small bag up in his mouth and ran into the girls' room. Matt and Lita ran upstairs after hearing the thump of Jeff and Raven's combined weight hitting the floor at 18 metres per second. By the time Matt burst into the room Raven had set up four books (including Maven's book of the solar system), maps of the universe, maps of Australia and a blank pad of paper. The maps were strewn with protractors, rulers and compasses. It all looked very important. Raven spun wide-eyed at Matt and Lita, he looked like a hunted animal.

"What's going on in here?" asked Lita cautiously. 

Raven ignored her and went back to explaining, "at precisely midnight tonight Mercury and Venus will be clearly visible on the eastern horizon. The garden prevents us from seeing but on the western horizon the other planets will also be aligning. At two past midnight all the planets in our solar system will align with this house, more specifically this very room and another dimension may open up. Demons will take more alluring forms and possess this house. If it truly is haunted we will know tonight!" halfway through his speech someone who shall remain nameless (Jeff Hardy) had undone the straight jacket and Raven was now frantically scribbling on the maps.

"What the hell is going on in here?" Stone Cold Steve Austin ran in and bashed everything that moved. He was promptly followed by Rock, Taker and Triple H. Taker held Raven up by the neck. 

"Who the hell let you out!" Taker shouted at him, put him back in the straight jacket and the attic and issued new orders to everyone. "Anyone who takes him out of the straight jacket or the attic before tomorrow will die slowly and painfully by my hand."

Triple H advised everyone to stay out of the house and ignore Raven's cries of, "They are coming for us. Hardyz, Edge. Beware these demons have eyes for you."

The wwf superstars stayed outside, they could here Raven trying to break loose.

**10 o'clock that night**

Lita and Molly were nervous. Raven could clearly be heard above them. Telling them to 'seek a bed away from this accursèd place.' They sat shivering despite the warmness of the night. The girls had listened to Raven's ravin' for the better part of two hours. Suddenly he stopped. It was deathly quiet in the house. Lita got up to close the window, she stood mesmerized by the two brightest stars in the sky. They were almost perfectly in line with the house. Heavy footsteps caused her to turn swiftly.

"You guys okay?"

"Oh Rock you scared me." Lita shut the window and walked slowly back to her bed beside Molly who had forgotten her troubles and was asleep.

"Taker sent me in to make sure you guys were cool with Raven being a freak." 

Lita nodded, "good night Rocky." The Rock smiled and closed the door quietly. Taker was outside waiting for him, "I shut up Raven. Are the girls okay?" 

"Yeah. They're fine!" Rock walked in first, Taker looked up at the attic door as a final check and had just laid his head down when he heard another noise. He massaged his temples and got up. The Undertaker walked into 'alpha'.

"GET OUT! GET BACK TO YOUR OWN ROOM AND STAY THERE!"

There was a unanimous 'yes sir!' Molly and Lita went to their room and the hardyz and Kurt went to their room. Raven was roughly seized and thrown back into the attic. The Undertaker tied Ravens ankles together and hung him upside down off a peg. 

"You can't do this to me! The blood will rush to my head and kill me!"

"Yep, and if it doesn't I will."

"Yes, sir."

Taker slammed the attic door and laid his head gently down on the pillow.

*****BOOM! ***** Lita and Molly screamed.

Taker sat up, "Goddamn it to hell. RAVEN IF THAT WAS YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH I'LL…"

"It wasn't me." Raven whimpered he sounded scared.

"It's not worth it, you can beat that sorry son of a bitch tomorrow!" said Austin. Taker shrugged and went to sleep.

(Note from Madame: at this point an electromagnetic field descends over the house, the cell phone and cameras stop receiving and recording respectively. The time is 00:02 am.)

At about 4 o'clock that morning, Matt crept noiselessly into the girl's room. He had an itch only Lita could scratch ;) . he gently climbed into the bed closest to the window from the foot board and crawled up to the pillow. He put him arm around the sleeping red-head in front of him. You can probably imagine his shock when he was embraced from behind. Matt slowly rolled over to be greeted by another red-head, he smiled and lay on his back with his arm's around both of them. The feeling that something wasn't quite right was rapidily sinking in. "Lita?" he nudged both of them, not sure which one was actually his girlfriend. He was promptly answered from his right.

"Matt hunny… who's Lita?"

Matt leapt out of the bed and looked in wonder at the gorgeous pair, neither of whom were Lita. 

Lore stood up and stretched, "ew! I thought you were Jeff!" she looked around, "hey where the hell are we now?"

Vixen stood on the bed and glared at Matt, arms crossed. "who's Lita?"

"who are you?" Matt rebutted. Vixen looked crushed. Lore looked confused. Tye rolled over in Molly's bed. "dude! She's been your girlfriend for the last five years. Man you must have been wasted last night."

Raven woke up in the attic, he looked up and saw the Undertaker hanging upside down in the straight jacket. He suddenly realised that he and Taker weren't the only one's in the attic, he was lying in someone's lap and she was stroking his hair tenderly. He also noticed that his maps/charts were on the floor and that 'whoever she was' had been reading them. The Undertakers face had been badly beaten and Raven couldn't help but laugh loudly. 

She spoke, "Greetings my dear little Raven. I thought they'd clipped your wings for good." 

Raven sat up and turned to look and the long blonde hair streaked with blue and black. "nah, they just ruffled my feathers." 

She stood and helped him to his feet, "tell me about your dimension, the people the biota and the physics."

Raven embraced her,"who need physics when you've got chemistry?"

She smiled revealing her fangs. Lights started flashing and alarms sounding in Raven's head. He suddenly decided this was not such a good idea and backed off.

"re-thinking your options?" she teased and pushed him away, "I have a partner anyway."

Raven smiled, "partner?"

She giggled like a child then stopped abruptly, "boyfriend!"

Raven looked dissappointed. She walked to the trap door and beckoned. Raven followed her like a puppy dog.

"Hi guys and matt." Mongrelle walked in followed by Raven.

Matt let out a loud cowardly scream that brought the rest of the house running. Austin was brandishing a cooler (that he had grabbed by mistake in the dark), the Rock a hairbrush (belonging to Triple H), Triple H a pencil case (belonging to the Rock) and Edge a dressing gown (what the?). Jeff, Maven and Randy staggered in indifferently. Kurt was hiding in the closet in 'bummer' and he had little or no intention of coming out. A loud deep voice commanded him to go to the attic and he obeyed.

Everyone in the girl's room heard it too. 

Vixen looked up, "did that sound like the Undertaker to you?"

Raven looked at Mongrelle, "did it?"

Mongrelle turned away, "I didn't hear anything."

"then you must need your hearing examined cos I damn sure heard something." Taker strode in. 

Vixen stepped forward, "dad?"

"wait," Raven stepped between the amazons and the advancing wwf superstars, "I need to explain a lot of things and I don't know how long we have." He swept his arm towards the amazons, "these girls are from the dimension quite like our own but several things, small things are uniquely altered, some for the better and some for the worse." 

Taker charged at Mongrelle, Mongrelle charged at Taker. Neither backed down and there was a sickening crack. Runing at full pelt until colliding had floored the pair of them.

Raven looked at Kurt who had just walked in from the attic, "you aided his escape! Are you still sane? What happened?"

Kurt put his hands up, "hey! I was coming out of the closet and I heard a voice that I thought was God and …"

Rock stopped him, "it doesnt matter if God was speaking to you came out of the what?"

Kurt looked at him, "the closet."

Rock looked at everyone else, "no further questions, your honour."

Triple H gave the room a once over and announced his feelings about the whole -switching dimensions and taking over the house- thing that the four women had going on, the only way he knew how. "so… who's hungry?"

**after breakfast**

after a delicious meal (cooked by the amazons) and the constant separating of the Undertaker and Mongrelle, Raven proceeded to explain using a timeline that he had altered to accommodate both dimensions. 

"it appears that in 2000 instead of hiring Lita Vince hired the amazons. Vixen, Tygra and Mongrelle. Lore came along a little later and instead of hiring Essa Rios Vince employed Damien. Who is a cousin of yours Matt, Jeff." 

Jeff leant over the dining table for another pancake, "but we don't have a cousin called Damien. do we Matt?" Matt shook his head and Jeff smirked.

"no not anymore." Matt said. This got everyone's attention.

Matt put one arm around Jeff's sholders, "dude…bro. When mom was pregnant with you, there was a terrible plane crash and her sister was killed. She was pregnant at the time too, it was a boy. I'm sorry Jeffy."

Tye doubled over laughing. 

"it's not funny!" Matt and Jeff roared at her.

Tye pushed Matt back to his seat, "yes it is. Mongrelle keeps complaining that Damien has this weird fear of planes and that they have to bike everywhere."

Vix, Lore and Mongrelle laughed.

"dude that's sick!" Edge laughed. Now everyone was laughing that is except Raven.

Raven cleared his throat loudly, "as I was saying… that's why these ladies don't know Lita," he gestured to the amazons and then to the guys, "and why these gentleman don't know Damien."

Triple H had been checking out the girls in his crusty, arrogant way. And now he leaned in on the conversation. "so who were… sorry are you with in your dimension, if anyone?" 

Taker butted in as well,"and who were you calling dad?" he directed this at Vixen. 

Vixen stood, "I'm currently seeing Matt. And I was talking to you. You're my father!"

Rock patted a speechless Undertaker on the back, "well done!"

"shut up!" Taker was majorly uncomfortable with everyone around the table oogling his daughter even if she was his daughter in another dimension,'God' he thought, 'if any one of them touches her in any way I'll…'

Matt was watching Vixen intently and it wasn't just her eyes he was watching either. 'Well technically it's not cheating right?'

Lore stood up, "I'm currently dating Jeff and my parents are Kane and Chyna."

Austin raised his hand, "which one's the woman?" Lore gave him the finger and he returned it.

Tye rose to her feet, "my dad is Shawn Micheals and my mum is also Chyna. And I'm currently sleeping with Edge, Rob Van Dam, the Hurricane, Shannon Moore, Evan Karig…" 

Lore slapped her arm. "No you're not."

Tye nodded, "no but I'd like to be, simultaneously if possible." She looked at the shocked faces. "just Edge and RVD." 

Mongrelle refused to stand, "my parents are Gangrel and Luna and I currently own Damien."

Triple H contradicted her, "you mean are owned by Damien right?"

She stared him down, "no!"

Austin got up and kicked Raven out of the way, Mongrelle's eyes went red.

"Men own women, that's the way it has been and always will be and if you got a problem with that you can bite my Texas ass!" he mooned her.

Mongrelle turned away, Raven stood, "put that thing away that's no way to talk to a lady." Austin had out argued Mongrelle but she had a comeback that always knocked 'em dead. She walked up behind Austin when Raven challenged him. Raven was close enough to see her fangs enlarge and bury themselves in Austin's neck. Raven shrieked and bolted. Mongrelle dropped Austin (now scared into submission) and started after him. "Raven! Wait…" she stopped. Only Damien understood her violent, aggressive nature and Raven was not Damien.

'However' she thought evilly, 'if the need should arise I'm sure he would be a fine substitute.'

Edge leapt to his feet, "I knew it, I knew it! I knew you reminded me of someone. You're related to Gangrel!" he announced pointing at Vix who grabbed his hand and pointed it at Mongrelle.

"Oh!"

Lore laughed loudly, "oh the Hurri-senses are tingling today?" 

Edge looked hurt, "oh come on. I'm not as bad as the Hurricane."

Lore folded her arms, "that was pretty bad dude. I stand by my 'oh the Hurri-senses are tingling' and that's it!"

Tye fastened herself to Edge, she stated to pull him towards the stairs, "I'll make those senses tingle and others besides!"

Edge's jaw hit the ground, but he picked it up to an evil grin and sped after Tye locking the door of 'alpha' behind him. During that scene Vix had been watching Matt, it was amazing to think that as well as she knew him, in this dimension he knew nothing of her. She looked him up and down. 'Well he looks the same but it wouldn't really be cheating if I checked his…performance records. Would it?'

Lore and Randy wandered outside talking about tattoos, Jeff watched them. He could feel the jealousy rising inside. Rock waved a hand in front of his face, 

"Dude, he's hitting on your woman!"

Jeff snapped out of it and raced outside. 

"I hope she can swim." Triple h yelled after him. 

Wheels began to turn in Jeff's mind, 'what's that supposed to mean?' 

Lore and Randy turned, Jeff picked up speed, straight into the pool.

As he sank to the bottom he smacked himself in the head, 'smooth move Jeff!'

Lore reached under the water and pulled Jeff out with one arm. Jeff lay in the sun drying while lore and Randy sat under a tree nearby. Randy was talking about his tribal tattoos, Jeff about his tiger tattoo. Lore took off her jumper and pulled up the leg of her jeans revealing some of her tattoos.

Randy was barely paying attention to anyone's voice but his own when something struck him.

"Hey Lore, do you have a tattoo on your butt that says 'made in Chyna'?"

Lore looked to him like he was lower than shit. "Get out of my sight!"

"Yes ma'am."

Jeff rolled onto his stomach to look at Lore he could now see her tattoo's properly. He gasped, "the detail is amazing, and the colors, wow! The greens and blues of the dragon the reds and yellows of the flames." He touched the flames on her arms gently as if they would burn him.

"Have you got any others?"

Lore smiled, "hell yeah!"

Jeff sat up and scooted closer, "cool. Where'd you get them done?"

"Just south of Manchester."

Jeff laughed, "no I meant where on your body?"

Lore smirked at him, "so did I."

The younger Hardy's eyes grew wider as did his smile. "Can I touch it?"

"WHAT!?"

"The tattoo…can I touch it?"

*Sigh of relief on the part of both*

Lore stood and brushed the leaves that hung from her pants, she looked in the window of the shed. She took Jeff's hands and pulled him inside, "sure why not?"

Vix was watching Mongrelle single handedly kill all the big guys in a game of gridiron. Matt was watching Vixen.

"Wow, Mongrelle's putting a hurtin' on them huh, Matt?"

Matt was caught in her eyes. "Yeah, she's beautiful!"

Vixen balled her fists and looked at him, "oh no!" she laughed.

"What?" Matt was still in a dream world.

Vix recognized the look in his eyes and realized they were the same deep brown -head over heels- puppy dog eyes she had fallen for."Matt what color is Mongrelle's hair?"

Matt kept his eyes trained on Vixen, "it's the most beautiful shade of red I've ever seen. If we were to get together tonight it wouldn't be cheating right?"

Now Vix was returning his lovesick gaze. "Why wait 'til tonight?"

Matt smiled, he picked her up and took her to his room.

Mongrelle was soon tackled onto her back by Triple H and the Undertaker, she looked at the sky, then at the roof. Raven was watching her, she had to talk to him and explain that her fangs were for feeding purposes only and that when she had attacked Austin she had been starving as well as angry.

Suddenly she found herself outside the bedrooms upstairs. She could hear Tye and Edge in one bedroom and Matt and Vix in another. 'Something's never change but it does explain why Raven is on the roof rather than in the attic' 

She climbed up and was almost at the window when a black book with golden pages caught her eye. She picked it up 'Rookies 1999'. It seemed to be a book of all the people interviewed by the wwf for the 2000 pick of rookies. All of the kids in the pictures were gothic, Raven must have been looking for someone to travel with. She turned another page and gasped. The page was covered in little black hearts and roses. The biography was neat and had been filled out with considerable care. The photo was folded over to cut out the other two girls. Raven had copied out a small passage from Anne Rice's 'Interview with a Vampire' next to the photo. It read; 

__

"Her lips were red, Her looks were free,

Her hair was yellow as gold

Her skin was white as leprosy

The nightmare life-in-death was she,

Who thicks man's blood with cold."

The page was headed: Mongrelle. 

Elle's black heart beat faster, she ascended the roof. Raven scuffled nervously when she sat next to him.

"Do they bother you?"

Raven gazed up in horror with the most beautiful eyes Mongrelle had ever seen.

"No of course not, what would bother me about your f...teeth? Is there anything wrong with those weird fangs...um teeth?" he said it so quickly that she knew he was not himself.

"Silence!" she said quietly. Raven was silent. She smiled and started twisting a lock of his hair, "there's nothing to fear. I don't bite… hard."

A gold mini with black stripes drove past the house fast, a voice called out, "Mike Myers. Austin powers: international man of mystery. 1999"

Raven stood and sat again, "was that Golddust?"

Mongrelle craned her neck to see, "I think so."

Raven shuffled closer, "Freak!"

Elle shuffled away, "who are we to judge?"

Raven moved further away, "speak for yourself Bitch!" 

"Freak!"

"Vampiric Whore!"

"Gothic loner!"

Their terrible words hurt each other more than real pain ever could. Raven swung, Mongrelle sidestepped it, and Raven fell. He tumbled down the tiles and went soaring off the roof. Mongrelle's arm reached for his wrist, she grabbed his hand and pulled him up. She hadn't accounted for the fact that Raven was a little heavier than Damien and when he started to slip Mongrelle wrenched him over the guttering and onto the roof beside her. Raven hadn't let go and he rolled directly over the window that had let them both out. Raven managed to twist as he fell and when Mongrelle landed flat on her back Raven landed on top of her. Neither of them gave any thought to what happened next, it just sort of came naturally.

Mongrelle was explaining herself later when the other amazon inquired after her whereabouts earlier in the day.

"I swear to God it just happened."

Tye interrupted her (Vix and lore were disgusted beyond all belief). "Was he better than Damien?"

Elle closed her eyes to avoid meeting theirs. "Maybe?" they looked at her, the answer according to the pinkness of her face was clearly yes.

Mongrelle looked away to avoid seeing their amused looks, "it's a shame we have to leave tonight. I could've gotten used to that." 

"WHAT?" the men had been listening in from the kitchen. Mongrelle tried to forget that every guy in the house (especially Raven) had heard her say that Raven was a better lay than her boyfriend of five years, Damien.

Raven walked in and put his arm around her waist. "Yeah the dimension portal is only active for twenty four hours before our reality transposes." He explained. Everyone looked around the room at their new friends. Mongrelle broke away from Raven and looked again at his chart on the wall (from earlier) and picked up a pen. "At midnight tonight we'll have to go back unless…" Mongrelle was scheming.

TO BE CONTINUED…


	7. invasion!

Foreword : I apologise for this chapter being so short but I suddenly realised that a week has gone past and their hasn't been any major trouble by which someone could be pressured into leaving. Where we left off…a parallel dimension has opened up expectorating four beautiful women into the house and nicking off with Lita and Molly. The 'gentlemen' of the house like the Amazons much better than their original housemates and are horrified to learn that the girls can only stay for 24 hours. Until that is, one of them gets an idea.

"At midnight tonight it will open up and we'll have to go back unless…" Mongrelle was scheming, "Raven, what are Kepler's laws as relates to your dimension."

Raven dropped to his knees and hugged her legs, "I don't know and I…"

"Uh Raven?" Raven looked up at Tye.

"My apologies, I'll try again," this time he grabbed Mongrelle's legs, "I don't know and I don't think anyone else here does."

Everyone started to talk at once then there was another big bang. Maven was standing next to the dining table he had thrown his book to the ground to get silence and it had worked.

"Excuse me, Keplers laws state that 1) the planets orbit the sun in ellipses. 2) That the line joining the sun and the planets sweeps out equal areas in equal periods of time and finally that 3) the square of the planets orbital period is proportional to the cube of the semi-major axis of the ellipse." Everyone stared in silence at Maven and his book. "What? I was a school teacher at one point."

Jeff nudged Edge, "hey Maven, your intelligence is showing!"

"WHAT?!" Maven looked at his crotch quickly then realized what had been said.

"Now, now Jeff. No-one likes a wise ass."

"Oh that must be why no-one likes you!"

Maven and Jeff started yelling at each other. They started to throw punches and then to really fight. All the couples in the house were making out except for Raven and Mongrelle and Jeff and Lore. Lore and the older wrestlers were egging Jeff and Maven on in their contest who could hang the other up by a wedgie first. Mongrelle and Raven were ignoring them and were scribbling on Raven's charts.

"EUREKA!" Raven yelled, "we've done it!

"Ah hem?"

"You've done it!"

Wedgie contests stopped (Maven was winning). All eyes were trained on the gothic duo.

"If we can create an explosion at exactly two past midnight tonight then we'll be able to stay until the planets realign in a diagonal." Mongrelle really emphasized explosion.

Vix hugged Matt closer, "how long do we have?"

Raven picked up a calculator, "well. Judging by the horizontal velocity of the orbital period in feet per second. You lovely ladies have approximately, 2592000 μs (two million, five hundred and ninety two thousand nanoseconds)."

Lore walked over to Raven and booted him in the knackers as hard as she could, "how long is that?"

Raven's voice was so high that only dogs could hear it, so Mongrelle picked up the calculator and began pressing buttons. Tye looked down at Raven on the floor and then up at Mongrelle and back again a couple of times.

"Are you even hearing what's going on? She just kicked him in the 'nads."

Mongrelle nodded, "yeah but he really deserved that!"

Vixen caught on, "but won't that ruin your fun?"

Mongrelle looked at Randy and Maven helping Raven to his feet and shook her head, "no, he's still got the use of his hands and his tongue, doesn't he?"

Maven and Randy dropped him and keeled over. There was a chorus of "EW!, THAT'S GROSS! And NOT COOL!" from everyone but Raven and Mongrelle.

Mongrelle laughed, "anyway, two million, five hundred and ninety two thousand nanoseconds is roughly…three days." The same group of people that had just been disgusted by Mongrelle's first outburst were overjoyed at the second. Room 'better' and Kurt Angle were laughing and patting each other on the back. Randy and Maven were hugging each other and jumping up and down. And the couples (exception of Mongrelle and Raven) were kissing passionately and getting use to it.

"WAIT! HOLD EVERYTHING!" Triple H looked at the corners of the room, "what about the camera's? The only places there aren't camera's are the attic and the roof!" Mongrelle and Raven smiled. Tye, Vixen, Lore, Edge and the Hardyz paled. Tye began to hyperventilate. 

Rock raised an eye brow, "what's wrong, Tye?" 

She was almost in tears, "I've broken my own rule!"

Edge looked at her funny, "your what?"

Vix laughed insanely, "her rule, the golden rule of Tygra."

No one in the wwf had a clue what she was talking about.

"What rule?" Jeff asked having retrieved his underpants from his butt crack. 

Lore whispered in his ear and Jeff doubled over laughing. This left an opportunity for everyone else to be enlightened.

Rock nudged Tye, "what's the rule?"

"Promise you won't laugh." she looked at everyone in the room and scowled at Jeff still laughing. "Love thy neighbor but don't get caught. YOU BASTARDS! YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T LAUGH!" 

"The Rock said no such thing!"

Everyone was laughing but Raven and Mongrelle, standing side by side and discussing the effects of the alignment on static and electromagnetic fields. 

Rock looked at the cell phone on Hunter's belt, "hey there's no reception on the phone." Triple H half-turned to find the Rock, Austin and the Undertaker looking directly into his ass. He took the phone of his belt and shook it.

"Press the middle button." Vix commanded. 

Hunter pressed it and reluctantly held it up to his ear, "it's beeping."

Raven found his (louder than whisper) voice again. "No shit Sherlock. We're in an electro-…" 

Stone Cold Steve Austin booted Raven in the balls again. Mongrelle finished his sentence for him, "an electromagnetic field. Look I'll prove it." She rubbed her feet on the carpet and touched the Undertaker's arm. **ZAP! **He grabbed his arm, "ouch!" she giggled and zapped Austin and then Triple H. As a direct result Mongrelle was put in a straight jacket and locked in the shed by Lore. Raven for fear of his life and manhood was locked in the attic by someone he hadn't pissed off.

Lore walked back inside now, "hey guys look what I found." She held up a dead pigeon. All the males rushed upstairs howling and shrieking to hide leaving the Amazons downstairs to in the lounge waiting for some sort of sign or explanation. The men upstairs hid everywhere in closets, showers, under beds, in their suitcases (Jeff Hardy) all to avoid the pigeon that Lore had brought in and put in the bin.

(Note from Madame: not all the guys rushed upstairs, in the confusion someone got outside to the shed. I'll need your help later to find out who.)

Mongrelle was secured in a straight jacket upside down suspended from a beam. She heard the door open and close and assumed that Lore had left it open. The broken bottle cut into her back without warning. Again and again piercing the undead flesh but the undead flesh did not utter a sound until the Singapore cane rained blows upon her bleeding back. "Coward. Why don't you even face me? I am unarmed and defenseless and you are still a coward." The blows became more frequent. The blood sprayed everywhere, it covered the ring and surrounding safety mats. Not one more sound did she make until the wooden stake pierced her ribcage and drove towards her heart. 

**"RAVEN!!" **

The single scream caused Raven's testicles to lower themselves from his throat and he climbed to the rooftop. The Amazons were on the verandah in seconds. Raven dove into the pool off the roof and hurried to swim to the side, he damn near ripped the door of the shed off. The Amazon's were frozen at ringside but he leapt into the ring and gently pulled Mongrelle down. Tye stayed with Raven and Mongrelle while Vix and Lore ran into the house. All the guys were rounded up and lined up in the living room, on their knee's (merely to eliminate the height factor). Tye stripped the beds and brought the sheets down she laid them on the dining table. 

Raven carried in Elle, he lay her down gently on the table he sat stroking her hair, as she had been when he had woken up. Whispering softly and sweetly to her, words that no one else could hear. 

Tye prowled the line of big men on their knees.

"All right shit eaters, this is the deal. One or more of you got away from us and beat up on Mongrelle when she couldn't defend herself. We don't care why, we want to know who. so we can fucking kill you for what you did to our friend."

**After an hour of interrogation. **

Vix shook her head, "so none of you can provide an alibi or a motive beyond reasonable doubt for not beating up on Mongrelle." 

Lore laughed, "THAT'S SUCH BULLSHIT!"

"Shh, she's waking!" Raven hissed. He lifted her slightly, "Elle? Are you okay?"

"No… I need to feed!" she looked at him with such longing that he felt compelled to unbutton his shirt and lean his neck forward to her.

"Raven…no not you." 

He lifted her up, "yes me, I know you need this and I'm not going to lose you." She was too weak to resist any further. The house was silent as she drank. Austin shuddered Mongrelle had forcefully fed on him so he hadn't felt what Raven was feeling he had felt only pain. Raven was moaning softly in a mixture of pleasure and pain. She stopped, color flooded her cheeks momentarily. She pulled his shirt closed and pulled him close. "I love you Raven." he smiled at her, both weak and exhausted they slept in front of everybody on the table for a while. Mongrelle wrapped in Raven's arms and Raven in a dream he wished would never end. The wwf wrestlers were dismissed to their rooms for a while, to sit and wait for further questioning. Unfortunately no one listened to the Amazons and instead of going to their own rooms in silence they assembled in 'better' and sat talking. Except the Taker who sat down in a corner writing down everyone's names and everything that had happened to each of them since the Amazons had arrived, (in other words possible motives) his list looked like this: - 

Matt Hardy - Mongrelle scared the crap out of him at first contact

Jeff Hardy - has heard how badly Mongrelle treats Damien in her dimension

Randy - was snubbed by Lore, Mongrelle was the only one defenseless.

Maven - Mongrelle took his spotlight after he helps them find a way to stay

Triple H - lost control of the house when the Amazons arrived, Mongrelle was the only one defenseless

- Mongrelle yelled at him and stared him down

Rock - Mongrelle ignored him

- zapped him

Kurt Angle - missing out on only available sex (for him) ever

- Rescuing the Undertaker from Mongrelle causes doubts over his sanity and masculinity

Edge - hears how Mongrelle treats Tye in the other dimension

- sees how Mongrelle treats Raven 

- Grudge against Mongrelle's father. (Gangrel)

Austin - bitten and partially drained

- scared into submission 

- zapped by Mongrelle

The Undertaker - beaten, tied up and left in the attic by Mongrelle

-challenged repeatedly 

- zapped by Mongrelle

["That's all of us," Taker looked at the list.

Jeff was looking over his shoulder, "not all. I think you've forgotten someone." Jeff took the pen and paper and began to write. He handed it back looking grim. Taker looked at it, "no I don't think so, Jeff. But then again."]

Raven - gets kicked aside for people to get to Mongrelle

- Could feel that she's only being nice to him to get info. on this dimension 

- feels unloved (Mongrelle doesn't seem to return his feelings until tragedy strikes) 

- Could feel used/cheap/dirty. (Mongrelle uses him for blood and sex only) 

- feels emasculated by claims of her hardcorédness

Note from madame: Now you've seen the list, I need _your_ help. Mongrelle didn't see who attacked her and at this point it could be anybody, the first week is up and someone has to go within the next three days. Email me at : mongrelle666@hotmail.com and tell me who attacked Mongrelle and left her for dead (remember it could be any male that's in the house, your decision can have as much or as little to do with the list above as you like). If you want to be creative you can tell me why.


	8. the usual suspects

A loud bang came from the attic, no one in 'better' paid close attention to it. The Amazons had ten minutes before walked up the stairs and discovered that their orders were being seriously disobeyed. Vixen confiscated the Undertaker's list but not before reading it and realising that he had made some valid points. Lore herded everyone back to their rooms but not before she had toungue wrestled Jeff and realized everyone else was watching. Tye was in the girls' bedroom setting up explosives and Raven was calculating the position of the portal in relation to the explosion quantity needed. Lore and Vix walked in and shut the door behind them. No one saw the figure creep down the stairs and approach the table on which Mongrelle appeared to be sleeping. Her red eyes flickered open.

"I thought it was you. I understand that I may have hurt you but what you did was uncalled for." He nodded sadly and leaned in close, his long brown hair momentarily touching her face. He gently kissed her forehead and whispered, "I'm so sorry," before he ran up the stairs again.

The Amazons heard footsteps on the stairs and looked up. They had given no one permission to leave their rooms. Raven opened the door expecting to see Mongrelle. The door flew open revealing everyone in the house, in the corridor. 

"what do you _think_ your doing? And may I emphasise the _think!_" Lore stepped forward and squeezed Jeff's earlobe.

"ow, ow, ow. Nothing. Nothing … I swear. I just heard something and came to see what it was."

"yeah!"

"me too!"

"same here!"

Vixen looked at Matt, "is that true? Did you hear something unexplainable?"

Matt nodded, "yeah Vee, there was this noise like a bang, like when you guys came through but not as loud." The superstars were again dismissed to their rooms except Raven and Edge. 

Tye took Edge downstairs to interrogate him but they ended up making out on the ground behind the shed.

"did you do it?" Tye asked between kisses. Edge pulled away from her.

"what? How can you say that!"

Tye sat up and pulled her shirt down. "Well the amarican fat ass _did_ say that you had a grudge against Gangrel. And you _were _pissed about the fact that she treats me like crap _and_ that she treats Raven worse than shit unless she's screwing him or drinking his blood."

Edge nodded, "true. Those are all valid points. But what could I gain by killing her? Her father would just come after me anyway wouldn't he?" 

Tye nodded and they went back to making out.

Vix was talking to Matt, they were sitting side by side, holding hands and trying to keep their clothes on.

"I need to know where you were when it happened." 

Matt got on his knees in front of her and held both of her hands, "I was where all scared little boys are. I was hiding under my bed shaking like a leaf."

Vix looked away, "I wish I could believe that but in my dimension, you two didn't exactly get on well."

Matt laughed, "you mean in your dimension I tried to kill her?" 

Vix looked back at him, "not exactly. Replace the word 'i' with 'she' and the word 'her' with 'me'." 

Matt repeated his phrase slowly, "you mean in your dimension she tried to kill …oh."

Vixen laughed loudly, "and don't think that you calling me Vee earlier slipped under the radar either."

Lore was convinced that Jeff couldn't have possibly been coordinated enough to attack Mongrelle and leave without a trace so she was interrogating Randy.

"I know what you want to hear and you're right. I do want you to sleep with me." Lore put her hand on Randy's shoulder and sat him down again.

"Randy, you're an idiot. Did … you…try…to…kill…"

"my own animal attraction? Yes but we both know what you're thinking."

"you wouldn't still be in this room if you knew what I was thinking. Now that we have that settled. Did you try to kill Mongrelle?"

"no I didn't."

"LIAR!" Lore roared.

Randy burst into tears and cowered, "no really… I didn't I swear if I did do it, you can kill me."

She patted his head. "okay I believe you send in the next man." She said cheerily. Randy stood up sniffing and went outside, Maven walked in promptly.

The interviews were not very effective. Raven was the only one left to be interviewed. He sat in his room waiting. 

Lore and Vixen went downstairs, "Elle, no ones confessed. We have to interrogate Raven now. Are you okay with that?"

Mongrelle looked up and nodded, "thank you for checking with me first but you're wasting your time with Raven."

The red heads looked at each other while it was sweet (and completely un-Mongrelle-like) to think that Raven didn't do it, it was hardly possible that anyone else could have been there that almost fatal morning. 

Tye and Edge strode in and ransacked the kitchen. It dawned on everyone that it was nearly 2 o'clock and none of them had eaten since breakfast. 

"boy-ard-ee, boy-ard-ee." The boys from 'alpha' and 'bummer' chanted as they ran down the stairs. All of the chef boyardee ravioli in the house was pulled from the shelves of the party, poured into and enormous pot, heated and wolfed down.

**half an hour later**

Raven was sitting in a chair in the girls' bedroom. Lore on his right. Vixen on his left and Tye behind him dangling a flashlight over his head. For two hours they grilled him. No answer he gave was good enough for them. The Amazons cursed and swore. Raven stayed calm he answered quietly and politely. Then he started to shout.

"WHAT MAKE YOU THINK THAT I DID IT. I COULD NEVER HURT HER."

Lore patted his shoulder, "dude we both know that's a lie."

Raven shrugged, "well, not that bad."

Vixen leapt up, "so you COULD hurt her!"

"NO!!"

Raven snapped, he broke everything in the girls' room until the Amazons had to run down the stairs to escape.

Meanwhile (note from madame: in a galaxy far, far away. lol. Sorry private joke)

The wwf superstars were all outside in the backyard. They were all separated from each other. After the interrogations they realized that they couldn't trust one another. Taker was on the balcony watching the yard. He had recreated his list and was filling in the detail that he had been prevented from doing when Vix and Lore had walked in. and that was where everyone was when Mongrelle had been beaten. He had to think about it real hard, 'I was one of the last ones up the stairs.' He had run into 'alpha' and watched three butts scoot under the bed, Raven had been locked in the attic by someone Taker couldn't remember who (and quite frankly neither can I so work with me). He had recovered his breath and walked into 'better'. Taker looked over the yard anyone that he hadn't seen could have been in 'bummer' or the girls' room or in the bathroom. He was sure that he had been alone in 'better' but he couldn't be positive. Taker called everyone over individually, to discuss where they had been at the time of the incident.

"Austin, come here."

"What do you want, murderer."

"I'm not a murderer. Where were you hiding?"

"I wasn't hiding if you must know smart ass." Austin rubbed his beard, "I was in the girls' room closet." 

Taker nodded, "m'kay you can go now."

Austin walked away muttering to himself. 

"Kurt!" Taker wrote down the rattlesnake's alibi while Angle trotted over.

"Where were you the night in question?"

"Well, if you'll remember correctly it wasn't night time it was daytime."

"Kurt?"

"Yes?"

"Don't you ever contradict me again."

"Yes sir."

"Answer the question."

"What question… oh I was hiding in the shower. In the girls room."

The Undertaker looked Kurt up and down, "do you mean to tell me that you were _hiding_ in a _glass _shower."

"Yes"

"You're a dumb ass get away from me in case it's contagious."

Taker shook his head it was hopeless.

"Hardy! Over here."

Matt and Jeff looked up from opposite ends of the pool.

"Which one?" they yelled in unison.

"Either suits me." Taker shouted back he hadn't looked up and when he did they were both in front of him. He was going to try and get answers their way.

"Where were you 'dudes' 'hanging' when 'that bitch' was 'jumped'?"

Jeff looked at Matt, Matt looked at Jeff and shrugged. Taker looked at both of them, maybe his language was a bit outdated. 

Jeff clicked his fingers, "I get what you is sayin' dog. My bro was in the realm of beneath the slumber post and myself was catchin' up wid my cloth. You dig?"

Matt walked away, "I give up. He's a freak."

Taker wrapped his fingers around Jeff's throat and began to squeeze, "if you do not repeat that in a language I understand. Your life, it ain't gonna be worth livin'. You dig?"

Jeff released himself from Taker's grip and rethought his sentence, "Matt was hiding under the bed and I was hiding in my suitcase." Jeff waited for a reaction and he walked away when one did not present itself.

" Rock!" Taker gestured for the Rock to join him.

"You know it's actually _the_ Rock."

"Eat me."

"Mm…no."

"Where were you?" Taker stopped because he knew that the Rock knew what was cookin' (bom bom tsk). 

"Where was the Rock? Let me tell you this, the Rock wasn't cowering, the Rock wasn't shaking, the Rock"

"Is giving me a head ache. Where were you?"

"In the closet looking for Kurt."

"Be serious."

"Hey man the Rock wouldn't lie to you, you're the American dumb ass, sorry of course the Rock meant bad ass." Rock walked away rapidly before he could be caught.

"Hunter, over here."

Triple H didn't even wait for the question, "I was taking a shit. And if you don't believe me ask the next person that went in." he walked away before he could get a reply. The Undertaker was ready to hurl. He cleared his mind and mentally pushed his lunch from his throat back to his stomach. The Undertaker had closed his eyes, when he opened them he jumped. Randy, Edge and Maven were in front of him. 

"Dude, in all confidence when the three of us were hiding… I mean checking for dust. Some one came into our room, they just walked in and walked out." Edge confided.

Taker laughed, "yeah it was me."

Maven put his hand up, "no really, dude. Someone came into our room."

Taker put his hand up, "I believe you it was me."

Randy put his arm around the Undertaker's shoulders, "we're being serious, there was someone in our room."

Taker threw down his list, "I know that because IT WAS ME. DO YOU HEAR? IT WAS ME, IT WAS ME, IT WAS ME!"

"CONFESSION!" Tye screamed.

The Undertaker spun to see the Amazons and Raven standing right behind him, they were not happy. "What?"

Vixen slapped him hard across the face, "how could you, I'm ashamed to be related to you." 

Taker walked over to her, regret was written all over his face, "no baby girl that's not what I meant."

Lore and Raven attacked him. He didn't even try to fight back. The other superstars felt their rage building until they too joined in the attack. Taker was dragged beaten and broken to Mongrelle, still on the table. 

Raven stepped forward, "we found out who it was." 

Mongrelle sat up, pain slowed all movements. "What?" she looked worried. Tye nodded, "uh huh, it was the undertaker the whole time."

Mongrelle stood in front of him. He looked up at her.

"No it wasn't."

"What?" asked the Undertaker.

"WHAT!" Vix Lore and Tye shouted with one voice. Mongrelle was leaning on Raven.

"You didn't ask me who it was. I didn't see but that doesn't mean I don't know."

Everyone leaned closer.

"So who was it?" asked Raven softly. Mongrelle scanned the group of men before her, she raised her arm and pointed into their midst. 

"It was him…"

To be continued… 


	9. revelations

Foreword; there is a bang sound every time something whole passes through the portal. Towards the end of this chapter everything is put to a schedule the phrase '… minutes/hours later' will be a common occurrence. I was trying to fit a lot into this chapter and I didn't want to make it any longer than 7 written pages so things are pretty cramped towards the end. I tried you have been warned.

**Story starts here! **

Everyone looked at each other.

"Him on the stairs." 

All eyes turned towards the heavens. There he was sitting on the staircase. His brown hair pulled back from his face neatly. His long black pants sharply contrasting his white poets' shirt. He walked slowly down the stairs, confidently through the group of men he had come to know as a result of being in the house. He walked over to Mongrelle but Raven stood in his way.

"How dare you, for what sadistic purpose could you wish to harm her?"

The stranger looked at Raven with eyes filled with sadness, "because I love her." 

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." The Rock stepped from the group and paced in front of Him. "You hurt and almost killed her because you love her. Isn't that a little, just a little, screwed up?"

"Oddly enough, no." the handsome youth continue, "if I rendered her helpless, when she got back to our dimension she may realize how much I actually do care."

Tye slapped him across the back of his head, "that's pretty fucked up, Damien."

"DAMIEN?" the wwf superstars yelled as one voice (as they only could in a story written by a freak).

"I came through the portal to make sure you guys were okay. And that _she_ was okay. Because she's fed off me so often that we share a mental bond, I could feel her heart speeding up, I thought she was scared. So I stuck my head through the portal and what did I find."

"What did you find?" Jeff asked innocently. 

Damien looked at Mongrelle, she couldn't meet his eyes. "I found my girlfriend _and soul mate _screwing that dirty pathetic creep."

Everyone looked at Mongrelle.

"Oh oh." she still couldn't look at him.

Damein sat next to her on the table, he pulled her onto the table next to him. "But that was just the _first_ time I put my head through to see what was going on. I also looked a couple of other times. The _second_ time I looked, I heard her telling everyone that Raven was better in the sack than me." 

Raven had a big smile on his face and the older guys were patting him on the back. 

Damien scowled at him, "then I heard her discussing how to make sure the girls could stay longer. No doubt to get in some really _cheap _shagging. About 10 minutes after I made her _pay the price_ of pleasure I look through again. And she's feeding off that bastard," he stood and walked towards Raven, "and now I'm gonna kill you like I should of done her."

The male wrestlers looked at Raven, the amazons looked at Mongrelle and Mongrelle looked at Damien. She stood and caught him by the throat. 

"You may want to run that by me again."

Damien turned and looked her dead in the eye, "I should have killed you when I had the chance."

Mongrelle's grip tightened, "that's what I thought you said. You see I cheated because you're not good enough. Not only in the sack but also as a human being. You make me sick, in our dimension you're a wuss. In this dimension you spied on me then you _tried _to kill me. I'm afraid it doesn't work like that." 

She pounded him to a pulp. Waiting until he passed out before icing her knuckles (putting ice on knuckles after beating up someone reduces the swelling), then reviving him to beat him down again. By the time Mongrelle was tired of pounding her slimy boyfriend, it was midnight. The amazons put Damien in the straight jacket and left him in the girl's room next to the explosives. Everyone lined up behind the line that Raven had drawn on the floor except Mongrelle, Undertaker, the Rock and Damien. 

The house was silent, then **BANG! ** A tear opened up in the wall beside the beds. Great swirling colors filled the room. 

The Undertaker and the Rock took an involuntary step backwards. They were holding Damien between them. 

The Rock looked at Mongrelle, "did you want to say anything to him?"

She smiled, "yeah… don't wait up."

Taker and Rock threw Damien into the chasm that was growing larger. Raven lit the explosives and everyone ducked. 

***BOOM! ***

There was a second bang louder than anything they had ever heard before (due to both Damien and the explosives passing through the portal plus the explosives exploding, of course). 

When the smoke (from the explosives) had cleared, all of the alcohol left in the house was opened, there was much cheering and drinking of beer. While the majority of housemates were partying in the back yard Mongrelle and Raven were sitting on the roof looking at the full moon.

"So what's going to happen to him when you get back?" Raven asked when Mongrelle laid her head on his shoulder.

She shrugged, "I don't know but it won't be pretty. I'll probably just beat him until he's almost expired and he'll recant on his death bed and say things like, 'I had the most awful dream, it was that I lost trust in you'."

Raven moved back and looked at her, "how do you know that?"

"I don't."

He nodded and looked at the guttering. She couldn't resist.

"But that's what happened last time."

* * *

It was a hot evening and all the couples (except Mongrelle and Raven) were lazing by the pool. Not _in_ the pool, mind you, but just outside the fence. Vixen reached for another beer, Austin had tipped his cooler full of ice on the lawn turning the lawn into a cooler, sort of. 

"I think you've had too many, we don't want anything weird to happen." Matt cautioned. 

"I think you should mind your own business. I have a high alcohol tolerance." Vix assured him. 

"Bull shit," Edge laughed breaking away from Tye's kiss. "Girl's don't have high tolerance of anything."

Tye pushed him into the pool. "Really well seeing as you think so, perhaps you'd like to make a little wager."

"Sure what did you have in mind?" Edge jumped out of the pool and gave her a big hug causing her to squeal, he was soaking wet and now so was she. 

"Children, please." Lore sat up (Lore and Jeff had been lying on the ground looking at the stars), "let's have a drinking contest in teams. Amazons vs. superstars. Last one under the table gets waited on hand and foot until we leave."

Vix looked at Matt, "you game?"

Triple H staggered forward drunkenly, "no I'm the game are you drunk already?" he turned around on the spot confused, "what? What's everyone laughing at?"

"Isn't that a little one-sided?" Jeff pulled Lore back to the ground. 

She sat up again," yeah! We're going to kick your ass!"

"That's not what he meant and you know it." Said the Undertaker releasing Vixen from Matt's grasp and sitting between them. "There are 11 of us and 4 of you."

"Technically no!" Vix left her father's side and sat on Matt's lap. "Raven isn't going to leave Mongrelle's side and Mongrelle doesn't drink."

"Anything besides blood. " Jeff laughed.

Lore poked him, "you'll regret that! She's a little touchy."

"Not according to Raven," Jeff smirked, "and it's not like she can hear me."

A book flew out of nowhere and hit him right between the eyes.

"Come up here and say that, cream puff!"

Raven looked at Mongrelle, "cream puff?"

She nodded, "little blob-shaped white heads straight for your hips."

"OK?"

Lore rubbed Jeff's forehead, a big blue bruise was forming. Matt and Vixen were making out again. The Undertaker couldn't stand it anymore.

"You know if I had it my way, you'd be taken into that shed and damn well hung."

"I don't know dad. He looks pretty well hung from where I am." Vixen jested. Matt was frantically making cut signs at her. 

"VIXEN CALLOWAY, YOU GET YOUR HANDS OFF-A HIM NOW! Wow, that felt so natural" Taker stopped yelling to comment to the Rock, "that must mean I'm destined to have a girl and call her Vixen."

Austin stepped into the conversation, " you may _have _a girl and _call _her Vixen but will your wife have a daughter?"

Austin had barely finished his sentence when Taker blind-sided him, knocking him out cold. Triple H was still staggering around trying to get his bearings.

"What? I don't get it." He picked up the cooler filled it with ice and grass, "stop laughing", and tipped it down Lore's back. Then he shrieked and tried to run but Lore was too fast. She kicked the legs out from under him. Unfortunately hunter had the heart of a coward and he passed out before Lore could hit him even once. Lore was very pissed off, Jeff was rubbing his bruise. He looked at Lore with puppy-dog eyes, "will you kiss it better?"

She looked troubled, "I don't know that could take a lot of kissing."

Jeff perked up immediately, "that's okay I don't mind."

"Don't you guys have any shame?" asked Tye while she was taking off her wet shirt. Randy and Maven flocked to her side.

"Hi, I'm Randy."

"I'm Maven."

Edge put his arms behind him and grabbed Tye's wet shirt in one hand and his own in the other. He whipped the shirts around and smacked both Randy and Maven in the side of the head while Tye ducked into his chest, "sorry boys but she enjoys life on the Edge!"

Maven and Randy sat next to the Rock who was pissing himself laughing. Vixen spoke up when she stopped laughing herself, "if we're going to have a drinking contest, shouldn't we have some alcohol left?"

This decided all available alcohol was stowed under the ring and locked in the shed. The key was placed in the Undertaker's keep and everyone retired, (went to bed, I mean it was 4:30am). Vixen slept in 'bummer' with Matt, Lore slept in the girls' room with Jeff, Tye and Edge were sleeping on the sofa downstairs. Raven and Mongrelle slept in the attic on sheets taken from Raven's room. Kurt moved into alpha for the morning.

Everyone slept soundly until about one o'clock that afternoon what I mean to say is no one stirred until Kurt angle started sleep walking and fell down the stairs.

&$%*&# CRASH! BANG! THUD! #&*%$&! 

The sound of his hollow head hitting the dining table echoed sharply in the open hall. Kurt lay on the ground still half-asleep waiting for everyone to rush down the stairs and check if he was okay. Instead he heard Maven yell, "don't worry everyone it's just Kurt."

'The cheek!' thought angle. 

Austin walked down the stairs. 

Kurt sat up, "at least you cared enough to come and see that I wasn't dead." He remarked to Austin. The rattlesnake almost jumped out of his skin. 

"What? How long have you been there you yellow-bellied, lily-livered…"

Edge spoke up, "keep it down over there some of us are trying to sleep." 

Tye sat up, "oh I don't know there didn't there didn't seem to be much sleeping where I was." 

Austin continued to walk to the fridge, "aaargh! There's no beer." He shouted almost passing out.

People began to drip down the stairs slowly. At 2:30(p.m.) everyone had congregated downstairs, after eating breakfast/lunch. 

"So what do we do now? Cos I'm pretty darn bored."

Everyone looked at Kurt Triple H smacked him across the back of his head, "dumbshit!" 

Mongrelle stood up, "we could play grid iron."

Vixen stood up, "we could watch scary movies."

Tye stood up, "we could screw - around and do nothing?" she quickly changed her sentence when she noticed the looks she was getting from Lore and Vixen. 

Lore stood up, "we could go for a swim." Randy sidled over to her, "do you want to borrow one of my bathing suits?" Maven tackled him out of the way. "No she wants to borrow one of mine," he looked at Tye, "or _you_ could I really don't mind." Vixen laughed when the Undertaker stood up and dared anyone to give his daughter the opportunity to swim topless.

"Sit down dad! I don't know if anyone noticed but we weren't wearing pajamas when we came through the portal even though it was the middle of the night. We were wearing normal clothes with bikinis underneath." 

Edge's hand shot into the air, "I noticed, I noticed!"

Raven looked at Mongrelle, "you weren't wearing a bikini." 

She shook her head, "no I'm not the swim and lie in the sun type. The sun doesn't do wonders for my skin."

Triple h was again checking out the girls in his crusty way, "yes, I think that a afternoon in the pool is exactly what we're looking for."

10 minutes later.

Everyone was in the pool, splashing around, having fun. Except Mongrelle (don't get me wrong she was having fun she just wasn't in the pool) who was sitting in the kitchen in the shade. Something had been bothering her, she wandered into the living room with Raven's chart, a calculator and a pen. 

**Outside**

The Undertaker was trying to cover up Vixen with a towel and she was trying to slap him.

"I'm not a little girl anymore. Fuck off!"

She was very relieved when the Rock tackled the Undertaker into the pool fence.

"Undertaker, the Rock says when you have a daughter her age you got to leave her to her own devices and don't smother her." 

Taker pushed him away, "how would you know? Your daughter isn't more than 3."

The Rock looked defeated, "my wife told me."

Lore sat on Kurt's shoulders pounding his head while Jeff held him under the water. Lore laughed, "we should do things together more often." Jeff agreed. 

Tye was sitting in Edge's lap on the pool steps and was mercilessly flirting with both Randy and Maven. Triple H and stone cold were debating the presence of god with Raven. Raven it seems had some twisted point of view and was insisting that god was a woman and that she was sitting in the kitchen as he spoke. 

Vixen was mocking the Undertaker by making out with Matt directly in front of him. Matt was trying to subtly move away from the Undertaker who was at this moment glaring at him and making 'I'm going to kill you, boy' gestures. Finally unable to control his anger, the Undertaker went inside to brood and sulk. 

At about 6:30, the house mates trudged inside for dinner. The Undertaker was talking to Mongrelle, Mongrelle was attempting to ignore him. 

"Go away, I have problems of my own you know."

"Fine!" the Undertaker growled and walked to the dinner table. 

By 7:30 all the superstars had eaten their fill of roast chicken and salad and were ready for the drinking contest. The Undertaker, the Rock stone Cold Steve Austin and Matt Hardy went outside to recover the rest of the alcohol (crates of beer and bottles of whiskey and vodka).

Mongrelle and Raven retired to the attic.

The amazons sat at the head of the table and the 10 superstars sat on the remaining sides. 13 glasses sat in front of the competitors, the battle and cans were open ready for consumption. 

Triple H took a bottle of whiskey, he held it in the air, "let the drinking, gorging and puking begin!"

By the end of an hour, Kurt angle was under the table unconscious and half an hour later Jeff and Tye joined him. The Undertaker was hugging his daughter and telling Matt to be gentle with her. Edge was carefully poking Tye's drunken form with his foot. Lore was threatening to shove an empty bottle up Randy's … sleeping bag. Maven was hugging Triple H and Austin was having a little nap face down in a glass of beer. The Rock had walked up the stairs singing 'smackdown hotel'. 

*2 hours later*

The only people still conscious were Vixen, Lore, Triple H and Austin. Everyone else in the first storey of the house was 'absolutely plastered'. After Tye and Jeff, Maven and Randy dropped out. Maven went outside to throw up and Randy threw the washing basket into the pool and slept in it. Matt was the next to go, only Vixen noticed him sliding under the table and not resurfacing. 

Half an hour later

Edge and the Undertaker and anyone I haven't noticed sank to the depths of blind drunkenness. Edge was sinking like the Titanic humming 'oh Canada' again. 

By the time Triple H and Austin were annihilated as well, Mongrelle and Raven were getting suspicious of the silence and they walked downstairs. 

"What occasion have we to blame for this array of beings?" Raven proclaimed upon entering the room. 

Lore and Vixen looked at each other and then at Raven just like in their dimension they didn't have a f-ing clue what he was talking about. They must have been just getting tipsy enough to show emotion because Raven corrected himself.

"What happened here?"

Mongrelle had stopped in the hall to look at the chart. 'Something's not right why and what?'

Back in the kitchen Vixen kicked at the bodies on the floor all 9 of them. Raven looked at Lore, "upon which lonely threshold has Randy stumbled?"

Lore look at him funny.

"He wants to know where Randy is and if you've disposed of his corpse in a nasty manner." Mongrelle walked in she looked confused although her conviction in her words did not falter. 

"I don't know where he is and more importantly I don't care."

Vix however did care, sort of, "he's in the pool in a washing basket and Maven is outside too lying in a pile of his own puke."

Raven kissed Mongrelle's forehead, "I plan to retire. Will you join me?"

She nodded, "yeah I'll be up in a little while." Raven couldn't help but notice how preoccupied she was when he walked away. He got to the top of the stairs and paused.

"Raven, upon what hour does the hand appear?"

He smiled his vocabulary was rubbing off on her.

"It's almost midnight" he laughed before he ascended the attic stairs.

Randy staggered inside and collapsed on the body of Edge in a comical manner.

Vixen was looking out the back window at Maven making sure that he didn't roll out of his vomit and into the pool. Mongrelle walked back into the living room to the charts. 

"What's wrong with you? You're running around like your ass is on fire." Lore had followed her in.

Mongrelle pointed to the chart, "there's something wrong with this and I can't pick it. You were always better at maths than me what's wrong with the following equation." 

Lore looked at the equation and gave up puzzled, "I don't know. VIX! Maybe Vix knows."

But as it turned out Vixen didn't know either, "I'm bamboozled. There are too many pro-numerals to keep track of."

"No there are too many places in the answer."

Mongrelle, Lore and Vixen spun in shock. The kitchen was empty of intelligent life and the voice had come from nowhere. 

"Down here."

Randy was lying on the floor looking up at the chart and the amazons. "There are too many spaces in the final pro-numeral"

Vixen scowled down at him, "you sneaky little bastard how do you know that?"

"Are you kidding?" Randy struggled to get to his feet but didn't succeed, "I live to prove Maven wrong."

"Touché." Lore voiced before kicking Randy in the head,"so does that change anything."

Mongrelle had a calculator in one hand and a pen in the other.

"Considerably. We have two minutes. Get Tye we have to go now!" 

Lore and Vixen retrieved Tye from the kitchen and ran up the stairs. The lines that Raven had drawn were still there so they stood on the threshold, waiting. 

"You have 45 seconds. If I'm not back when the portal opens leave without me." Mongrelle ordered before running off almost knocking Randy over on the way out. Mongrelle sped to the attic where Raven lay sleeping. She tore 2 pages from his book. One she quickly folded into an origami rose, she was coloring the petals black when Vix started yelling.

"HURRY UP. MONGRELLE THE PORTALS OPEN!" 

There was the massive bang as the three amazons passed through the whirling colors. Randy began to whimper. Mongrelle hurried to finish what she had started. The other page was now a letter,

**Dearest Raven,**

I hurry to write this now, as the portal is open. Everyone is asleep so they will not remember us or the trouble we have caused. I will treasure your memory always. Do not forget me, my love.

Mongrelle

She hastened to finish the letter and left it by the gently snoring Raven's side. There was another bang and the sound of Randy running. Mongrelle bolted through the portal punching Molly in the face while running past for good measure. The portal boomed again and there was silence. The portal closed forever. 

Molly and Lita had met the nicest guys on the other side, then one had disappeared and reappeared battered and bruised in a straight jacket. He had after much coaxing told them about the portal and the way it worked. They had just laid their heads on their pillows when Randy ran through the house screaming something unintelligible. All the guys slightly conscious ran (to the best of their ability) up the stairs. They locked Randy in the bathroom until morning.

Later that morning everyone in 'better' were woken by the ringing of the cell phone. Being severely hung over it took everyone a while to find the actual phone. Raven walked out of the attic and into 'better'. He walked over to the bed triple h was lying on and shoved him onto the floor. He picked up the phone and pressed the center button.

"Good morning, Australia's favorite mad house -oh greetings Vincent."

The Rock and the Undertaker were struggling to get the phone out of Raven's hand and simultaneously keep their bloodshot eyes open. Austin was asleep in the closet and was snoring loudly (somewhat resembling the sound of a chain saw, a broken chain saw).

"What the hell has been happening there? We haven't been able to get through on the phone and don't get me started on the cameras. And when we finally do get this problem cleared up we find Randy Orton in the bathroom rocking back and forth and looking like he's seen a ghost. Stone Cold Steve Austin appears to be missing. You emerge out of the attic slyly. You guys look like shit! What the fuck happened in that house for the last two days?"

Finally Vince paused for breath so Raven butted in. 

"I cannot remember, I…" 

The Undertaker snatched the cell phone from Raven's grasp. "Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to. We need someone to come and get Randy he appears to have a screw loose."

A voice called out of the closet, "and there's no more beer, do something about that you son of a bitch."

With that the Undertaker hung up on Vince and aimed his middle finger towards the cameras in the room. At 8 o'clock Triple H woke up and directed everyone downstairs to discuss what had happened that had erased their memories of the last 2 days. The Hardyz and Kurt walked down the stairs slowly, following at a snail's pace were room 'alpha' minus Randy of course. Behind them was the Undertaker, the Rock and Austin. And bringing up the rear but complaining loudly that they should be at the front and what ever happened to chivalry was Lita and Molly. Both of whom looked rested and refreshed (despite molly's busted lip). Randy was jumping up and down and causing a ruckus and Raven was sitting in the attic brooding but apart from that everyone was seated in the living room. Lita on Matt's lap and Molly in Kurt's arms. The Rock walked into the kitchen to call Kevin Kelly and work out what was happening with Randy.

Triple H addressed the group, "does anyone know what happened last night? Even the faintest idea?"

Lita put her hand up. Triple H nodded in her direction. She stood up and turned to face everyone with a big smile.

"You guys were completely wasted last night. Molly and me locked the door and left you to your own devices. Completely wasted!" 

Molly stood up too. "Absolutely trashed!"

The Rock walked in. "they're sending men in white coats with a padded truck for Mr. Sanity."

"How long will they be?" asked Edge he was mildly hung over and desperate to use the bathroom.

"'Bout an hour? Maybe a little more. The Rock isn't certain." 

Austin stood in front of everyone and tried to look better than he felt. 

"shAddup! I'm going back to bed anyone makes any noise, the end of the world will come early." 

Taker walked to the stairs, "that goes double for me any noise and it's all over!" 

With that most people went back to bed and the other's spent the rest of the morning waiting for the men to come and get Randy.

Raven was sitting on the roof. He had been for a while, just thinking. Something weird had happened that night, it was one of those feelings that the smallest shred of evidence could bring barreling back to reality and he had that evidence in his hand. A letter and a black paper rose. On a hunch Raven sniffed the paper the rose was folded with.

'Mmm…raspberry.' A slight memory came to him suddenly it turned into a brilliant vision, her hair had smelt like raspberries. As soon as he smelt it, he could almost see her. She had blonde hair with black and blue streaks and red eyes. Raven looked at the folded letter. 

'Do I dare read this? Is my heart strong enough?' 

Raven sighed and threw the letter into the air before him. He watched holding his breath as a gust of wind carried it away beyond reach and then beyond sight.

Below him the men in white coats took Randy away to a place they said the 'strange women whose bodies had twisted and distorted when they disappeared through the inter-dimensional portal' couldn't hurt him. But he knew they were wrong.

And a dimension away a red-eyed girl wiped away a tear filled with blood. A red tear for a Raven with ruffled feathers.

And then there were 12…


	10. insult to injury

"Congratulations you are now an Alpha male, feel free to wander the grounds or stop off at the library and browse."

"Maven?"

"Yes?"

"You're an idiot."

"Thank you for noticing. I try, you know…"

"DON'T MAKE ME COME IN THERE!!" Taker yelled.

Randy had been taken away that morning and new supplies supplied (CD's, videos, soap, food, beer etc.) so Jeff had moved out of 'Bummer' and into 'Alpha'.

Maven as usual was being a jackass and attempting to make the room sound like a college campus rather than a bedroom. He was also talking in a voice that made him sound boring and dull but it was 8:30 at night and everyone was hyper-active most of them having slept through the day. 

Raven had woken in the attic that morning and tried to remember why he had moved out but he couldn't. So he had just deemed it one of life's little mysteries. 

Edge was making the applause of the crowd that _wasn't _assembled in 'Alpha' really, really loudly.

The Undertaker having just been woken, walked into Alpha, took a large handful of Edge's golden locks and pulled him outside. 

*FLUSH FLUSH FLUSH*

Edge came back seconds later his hair and face was wet, the front of his shirt too. 

"The ceiling in the bathroom has been fixed." He said sitting on his bed and waiting for the recoil.

Raven sat beside him and patted him on the shoulder (squelch, squelch). "I feel your pain."

"Cram it goat-sucker."

"Pig licker."

"Bring it on."

The Undertaker stood in the doorway watching the fight, "it's sad, isn't it?"

Jeff bolted to the Undertaker's side.

"Did ya swirly him?"

Maven scoffed, "don't be stupid! You couldn't fit a head that inflated in a conventional cistern."

The Taker laughed loudly and punched Maven in the face, "I'm the American Badass! You'd be surprised what I can do."

Jeff walked into 'bummer' to annoy Matt and Lita. Instead he walked in on an argument between Molly and Kurt, that Matt and Lita were watching.

"You don't love me." 

"Of course I do."

"If you loved me you'd tell me who busted your lip." 

"Kurt you know I can't do that." 

"One of the guys hit you didn't they?" 

"NO!" 

"Then it was Lita!"

"No you leave her out of this!" 

"That bitch hit you and you're too scared to tell me."

"I'm not scared of anything."

"You were scared of Triple H when you two were in the shed." Kurt rebutted cruelly.

Molly was close to tears, "how dare you bring that up! If I remember correctly it was YOUR FAULT!"

"He called you a whore, and he was right!" Kurt was starting to shout, "we'd only been here three days and you'd slept with every guy in the house."

"It's not like that."

"Yes it is! You're a whore Molly. A god damned filthy whore."

Team Extreme ducked.

***42 seconds later***

"I'm too much of a gentleman to hit a lady." Kurt declared.

"Yeah right Kurt. She kicked your ass to hell and back!" Lita said wincing as Matt sewed up Kurt's head. Lita had been worried that Molly might hurt herself after Kurt's… speech so she sent Jeff to find her. He didn't have to look far.

In 'Better' surrounded by large sinewy men was Molly crying into the Rocks chest and telling her sob story to anyone that would listen. 

"And then he called me a …a."

"Whore?" Triple H offered.

Molly started to wail again and the other guys hit Hunter and told him to shut up or shove off. Which he protested loudly until Stone Cold Steve Austin made eye contact. Triple H was down that corridor before Austin got to his feet (and believe me that took incredible speed and stamina). Triple H stomped down the stairs after realizing that Austin was not behind him. He stopped behind Angle (still having his head stitched up by Matt Hardy).

"Your woman got me yelled at." Triple H yelled in Angle's ear.

"Voila," Matt snipped the final stitch, "free to go."

Kurt found himself pushed back in his seat.

"You're not going anywhere" 

Lita was standing in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room. She had vacated the room when that drunken bastard had filled it with his ego and his nose (note from Madame: Christ have you had a good look at that thing. WOW!). 

Matt was still sitting in front of angle and now in front of Triple H.

Angle turned, looked Triple H square in the eyes and stated, "she's not my _woman_. She's a whore and she's too much trouble."

Triple H hit him, "then be a man. Tell her that there are going to be some changes. That what she did is not on and if she says anything else show her the back of your hand."

Matt was sitting quietly wondering who he feared a beating from more, Triple H or…

"Matt can I talk to you over here real quick!" her voice cut through the air.

Matt timidly walked over, "sure babe what do you wa…" #*SLAP! *#

Lita stormed up the stairs. Matt stared up the stairs in horror.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!"

(Note from Madame: Matt must of assumed that Lita was out of earshot 'cos he pissbolted when he heard her coming back.)

"YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT THAT WAS ABOUT WELL I'LL BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO TELL YOU!" Lita literally flew down those stairs, "WHERE IS HE?"

Kurt and Hunter pointed out into the yard cautiously.

"That's just like him," Lita scowled, "if I tell you to, will you give him a message." 

Triple H moved away when he realized that it wasn't a question. But poor pathetic Kurt. 

"Sure what's the message?"

Kurt crumpled to the floor, eyes bugging from his head, hands placed protectively where there was now very little left to protect. (Note from Madame: ha ha ha crunch!) 

Lita walked into the kitchen and grabbed the kettle, two mugs, a box of cocoa and some snacks (mostly chocolate) and stormed back up the stairs. Lita and Molly barred the door of the girls' room and set up the food and the kettle. This was going to be a legendary girls' night in!

**Elsewhere**

Matt had built a fort out of tables, ladders and chairs (oh my) and was content in the fact that no one could get in with out him knowing… but just in case Lita pulled a fast one on him, he had a massive stockpile of kendo sticks, phillipino fighting sticks and fire extinguishers. He wouldn't dare to use them but if he hurled them in her general direction it might buy him more escape time.

"Who are you hiding from?"

"W..Who's there? I have weapons."

Matt fell backwards onto the fort and had 'it' fall on him. 'It', of course, being Raven. 

"How long have you been up there?" Matt shoved Raven aside and got to his feet. 

Raven sat on the canvas amidst the props and shrugged, "Not long. Long enough."

He looked Matt up and down. Matt's left cheek was red (not pink, red!), the vein in his neck was pulsing and he looked like he had just witnessed the Virgin Mary banging Satan in the manger. Raven laughed loudly and began to dance around like a court jester.

"You're hiding from Lita, huh?"

Matt looked at Raven, "are you high?"

"Not yet." Raven circled the ring and climbed up onto the support girders of the ceiling of the shed. He was going to have so much fun with this "THERE'S LITA. OH MY DEAR WHAT A LARGE AXE YOU HAVE!" Raven yelled at the top of his lungs. 

Matt spun and fell over. He got the look of some one who's just answered the door in the dead of night to the grim reaper who has just asked if he can use the facilities. He turned back with a sigh and an irrepressible urge to kill.

Raven was howling, he had gotten a better reaction than he expected, and he had seen it clearly from Matt's darkened reflection in the window. Something was wrong with it, it hadn't turned when Matt had… and it was now waving. He stopped laughing and just looked confused.

When he had turned Raven's face had almost literally fallen and now it was Matt's turn to laugh.

"You're not so cocky now are you, you wait 'til I get up there…oh oh." It had come to Matt's attention that Raven hadn't been looking at him for quite a long time now. And he couldn't help but wonder who was scaring him so. Oh no she couldn't be. He would of heard her right?

Matt whirled around, dropped to his knees, closed his eyes and yelled, 

"I respect you as a woman and…and I should of. "

A hand on his head told him to shut up, he thought he understood and leaned in for a kiss.

"Whoa whoa whoa, what are you playin' at Jabroni?" the Rock jumped back with his hands out in front of him. 

Hearing the Rock's voice instead of his girlfriends not only creeped out Matt, it also scared him half to death. He stood up and looked up at Raven, 

&*#$ FLASH $#*&

who has holding the biggest, chunkiest camera he'd ever seen. Matt groaned and attempted to scale the wall in the same fashion as Raven but he fell. Raven threw the camera at the Rock who caught it and ran. 

The Rock was flying through the garden, Matt was still in the shed and Raven was on the top of the shed. The Rock ran into the house past Triple H and Kurt in the 'family' room both talking about how bitchy their partners were. 

Matt was standing still yelling into the night, 

****

"You bastards! You set me up! I ought'a …I'm gonna kill everyone in this FUCKING house, you just wait and see."

Raven was on the shed roof cheering, "see Rock see. see Rock run! Run Rock run!" 

The Rock ran up the stairs into 'Better' where the Undertaker and Stone Cold were talking about trucks and motors etc., he thrust the camera into Austin's arms.

"Guard this with your life."

"Fuck off!" Austin threw it back.

The Rock heard Matt thumping up the stairs and dove into 'Alpha' and threw himself against the door. Edge, Jeff and Maven turned around sharply their faces filled with panic. 

The Rock held out the camera, "take it and hide it." 

Maven threw his arms into the air, "of course we weren't looking at porn what scum do you take us for?"

The Rock moved away from the door, "what?"

BOOM! The door flew open hitting Maven in the back and sending Matt flying through the room into the opposing wall. The Rock, Jeff and Edge seized this temporary distraction to escape.

Jeff and Edge went to help Raven off the roof, while the Rock ran through 'Better' again and leapt out of the window. 

*#$ The Girls' Room $#*

After a tearful recollection of the argument with the frequent interruption – "yeah, I was there, remember?" Molly decided aloud that she might as well tell Kurt who hit her. It's not like he would believe her anyway.

"but that's what I've been trying to tell you." Lita was exasperated. "he won't believe the truth so make something up. And then milk it for all it's worth."

Molly looked shocked, "but that would be lying."

Lita leaned back against the wall with her cup of cocoa, "what's your point? It's not like Kurt hasn't been lying to you…oh oh."

The tears were starting to flow again, "he's been lying to me? What hasn't been true."

Lita put down the cup and attempted to cover up her mistake without realizing that she was making it worse. "well technically that's not true…as such…um. It's not really that he's been lying but that he may have neglected to tell you some things. Little things. Unimportant things."

"Like what?" 

Lita was torn. Should she tell Molly the truth or let her find out for herself. No letting her find out would be cruel.

"like he has a wife and daughter."

"WHAT!! THAT ASSHOLE!" Molly knocked over the cocoa and some of the snacks standing up ,"I'll kill him. That's just not fair!"

Lita couldn't help but laugh, "yeah that's the spirit. You tell that rotten son of a bitch that he's a scumbag and you won't put up with it."

"yeah."

"you don't have to feel bad when _he's_ the cheating bastard."

"yeah."

"and what's more you tell him WHAT'S THAT ON THE WINDOW?!"

"yeah I …what?"

both girls screamed and backed up. Lita switched off the light, so that they could see the prowler's face. The figure didn't seem to be scared by that, he held up a camera to the window. Molly picked up a thick novel and hit him in the head repeatedly.

"what the hell are you doing to the Rock you crazy ho?" the Rock yelled. 

After an awkward silent moment Molly and Lita pulled the Rock through the window giggling.

"so what was going on so that you had to come and keep us company?" Lita poured herself another cocoa, "and what's with the camera."

"yeah I hadn't meant to mention it but I was wondering what you were doing outside our room with a camera at night without the flash on?" Molly said offering the Rock a cookie.

The Rock greedily accepted four cookies and sneered, "the Rock's not interested in what's in this room. the Rock is more concerned with important matters like making sure that your boyfriend (pointing at Lita obviously)doesn't get this camera." 

"all right now I'm interested, why's he after that camera?" Lita lurched forward to hear the Rock's explanation.

The Rock lurched forward to meet her, "maybe if you were a little nicer to the Rock. He'd tell you." He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"maybe you should go to hell? or maybe I should open the door and call Matt in?" Lita countered.

The Rock stuck his tongue out at her, "maybe you should."

"fine I will." Lita got up and opened the door, "MATT, I'LL FORGIVE YOU IF… HEY?!"

Lita turned on her heel and bashed her fists on the door, "that's not funny you open this door right now. Just you wait!" Lita stomped away to find Matt.

The Rock closed the window and put his arm around molly's shoulders. "so did the Rock hear correctly, you broke up with Kurt?"

Molly looked into the Rock's big brown eyes and smiled, "that's right. I'm all alone now."

**elsewhere**

"you stubborn little bastard!"

"yeah, what you're doing is incredibly uncool."

Jeff and Edge were still trying to get Raven off the roof. By now they were beyond the point of bribery and coaxing and were up to the 'come down from there or I'll take this (name of object) and stick it up your (name of orifice) and in the time it (nasty visual) you had better pray you're down here before I can get a ladder' stage.

"Raven, you goddamned little bastard. Come down from there or I'll take this washing basket and stick it up your ass and in the time it takes to get from your ass to your mouth I'll be there to kick it straight back up so you'd better pray you're down here before I can get a ladder." 

Jeff looked at Edge, "wow dude that was cold."

Edge nodded without taking his eyes off Raven, "I would say brutal myself."

Jeff shrugged, "we should probably advance to the 'you stay here and I'll get a ladder' stage."

Edge pegged a stone at Raven and got him in the crotch, "HE'S DOWN! HE'S DOWN! I believe it's your call!"

Jeff winced, "yeah, dude you stay here and I'll get a ladder."

Jeff walked into the shed slowly.

Edge called after him, "take your time dude he's not getting up."

Raven was lying on the roof looking at Edge he opened his mouth but no sound came out. He pulled himself up to one elbow and spat at Edge. He spat a large brown object at him. 

Edge began to jump around and yell, "Jeff dude he spat one of his nuts at me. The stone must have punctured his nutsack."

Jeff ran out, "what? Ah dude that's gross." Jeff looked back up at Raven and Raven spat another one, it hit Jeff in the face.

Jeff ran around with the 'alleged' nut on his face howling in disgust like a chook with it's head cut off (note from Madame: an Australian saying it means to run around with little or no direction or purpose. Also used to describe an utter state of panic in which there is no escape and no sense).

Edge was watching him run in circles and was caught somewhere between laughing and dry retching.

"dude get it off get it off!" Jeff was starting to panic , "dude help this is so dirty!"

neither of them realized that Raven had happily slid off the roof and was leisurely walking inside. Raven entered the kitchen to find Stone Cold Steve Austin pawing through the cupboards. 

Austin turned and grabbed him by the collar , "you little son of a bitch have you seen the chocolate coated rum balls?" 

Raven laughed, "you know what? I have seen them I was eating some before. Edge and Jeff are mucking around with them on their faces now but you know what would spoil their fun. If you walked up to Jeff and ate it off his face."

Austin looked at Raven strangely, "you know I ain't that way inclined."

Raven's eyes lit up, "dare someone else to."

"I'm game. What are we all talking about?" the Undertaker walked in. 

Raven released Steve's grip on his collar and nudged him, "we just thought that you wouldn't be game to go and eat a chocolate coated rum ball off Jeff Hardy's face."

Taker adjusted his pants, "well, that's where you're wrong."

Jeff was still running away from everything. Edge was retching behind the shed and then they heard the door slide. Both Jeff and Edge watched in horror as the Undertaker walked over to Jeff, stuck his tongue out and licked Raven's 'nut' right off Jeff's face. 

The Undertaker smiled at Edge, "mmm…nutty."

Edge and Jeff both ran behind the shed to barf.

The undertaker looked confused when he walked back inside and found raven and Austin on the floor laughing until they were crying. Taker cringed, "oh god what did you do to it or them or why the hell are you laughing?"

Raven pulled the undertaker towards him and through tears stuttered, "t…they think it's …it's one of my b…balls."

Taker looked at him funny, "one of your balls? At what point did you have balls?" he smiled.

Raven stopped laughing abruptly. "you know what, for a crippled hack you're pretty funny."

Austin stopped laughing, "you just dug your own grave…"

"and now you have to lie in it." The undertaker snarled…

TBC


	11. as sweet a taste as revenge

****

Madame Bloodbathe: Good morning happy little house watchers. This is my favorite chapter so I thought I'd introduce it personally. 

We open this chapter with a beautiful golden-red sunrise. 

The house is nearly silent except for the garden. The birds are singing, slowly in the house people begin to stir. Walking around without a care in the world, wandering ever so slowly around trying to force their eyes to adapt to the sunlight.

Everyone careful not to wake up anyone else, each showing the other the proper respect and admiration that he/she deserved.

The only sound that pierces the silence is the minimal ringing of the mobile phone.

"Room 6 at the Bournely twilight rest home for the terminally short of brain. Jeff speaking. How may I direct your call?"

Back in the US Linda McMahon laughed loudly, "good morning Jeffrey. I'm sorry if I woke you but Vincent is concerned that Raven isn't in the house. I don't suppose you know where he is?"

Jeff rolled off the kitchen table and handed the phone to the sleeping Undertaker on the lounge, "It's for you."

"Deadman hungover. What do you want?" still slightly inebriated but none the less in a good mood from the previous night, the grizzled veteran answered the phone with a lame remark and a chuckle.

Linda was forced to laugh again, "hello Mark. What have you done with Raven? Vincent's worried that he's not there."

Taker rubbed his eyes and sat up stretching, "No Ma'am. He's here all right. He just decided that he'd rather be out in the yard helping me with my latest project on this fine morning than lie in bed whiling away the hours."

Note from Madame: Linda was very surprised indeed.

Linda sounded very surprised indeed. "Really? Well, what a surprise. I had no idea." 

"Well in all honesty. Neither does he." The Undertaker hung up and walked outside into the garden.

He looked around what a beautiful day to start yard work. The sun in shining, the birds are singing. Everything is covered in dew. The whole yard looks fresh and crisp and clean. 

The Undertaker picked up the garden hose and began watering the trees and the flowers. Then he put his thumb over the nozzle and sauntered over the fresh dirt patch that looked like a grave, with a large stone in the middle. Taker pointed the nozzle at the 'stone' and let the water flow.

"ARGH! GOD DAMN! COLD, COLD. YOU BASTARD I'LL KILL YOU."

A smile graced the Deadmans face, "good morning Raven. Pretty funny for a crippled hack, huh?"

Raven tried to move but found to his dismay that he had been buried up to his neck in the dirt. And was now sporting a haircut similar to the man who gave it to him. 

"And how is the patient? SHUT UP!" Austin trudged out to where the Undertaker stood watering Raven's head with the hose. He leaned down and looked at Raven's freshly shaved scalp. "I can just about see myself in there. " 

"Credit where credit is due. You did a hell of a job there Steve." Taker had his left hand in his pocket and his right hand holding the hose. 

Austin quickly filled the left hand with a beer can. He shoved his now empty hand into his own pocket.

"Yep."

"Yep."

Raven's "heartbreaking" cries had woken the rest of the house. Jeff was still fairly asleep on the dining table without the faintest idea as to how he got there. Matt and Lita having made up and "made up" during the night (many times) woke happily in each other's arms, on the floor under a bed in 'alpha'. Edge and Maven had been playing some sort of card game on the kitchen bench top where they had woken shortly after Raven's screams, Edge with an ace up his sleeve and Maven with a queen up his nose. Triple H woke up in 'alpha' normally but was confused to see Matt and Lita crawling out from under his bed. The Rock woke up with an extra arm draped across his chest. He looked back to find Molly behind him 'at least it's not a guy' he thought. He looked at the cameras and panic began to set in.

At roughly 10:30am everyone (except Raven and Kurt) sat around the table.

"What went on last night?" Triple H took the floor.

Stone Cold stood up, "BEER!" Stone Cold sat down.

Triple H scowled at him, "duh! What happened after the beer?"

The Undertaker laughed, "well I knocked out Raven and buried him up to his neck in dirt. And he (pointing at Austin) shaved his head. And I can't account for anyone else."

Lita sat on Matt's lap twirling his hair around one of her fingers, "we're back together. And that's how we spent most of the night."

Jeff bolted from the room again with Edge and Maven on his heels. Matt looked in the general direction of Jeff and his posse. "I'm willing to bet they were looking at porn last night."

"I can back that up." The Rock raised his hand.

Triple H stood up again, "does anyone know what I was doing last night?"

The phone rang. Triple H looked at it. He answered it slowly.

"Hello."

"SHOW HER THE BACK OF YOUR HAND? YOU JUST WAIT TIL I GET YOU HOME. YOU SELFISH BASTARD." Stephanie screeched over the phone.

The Game cringed, "I didn't mean it literally I meant it more in a figurative sense."

Hunter walked away to argue with his wife despite the fact that even when he was at the top of the stairs everyone could still hear Stephanie clearly.

Austin laughed, "there's no way I'd ever get that whipped. (He turned to the Undertaker) If I do kill me."

Taker shrugged, "deal."

"Doesn't anyone care where I was last night?" Molly whined. 

The Rock stood up and moved to the other side of the table. "Every one could hear where you were. Damn you almost deafened the Rock. I wouldn't be surprised if you kept the whole of the USA awake last night."

"I'll second that." Lita said.

Molly spun to face her, "yeah like you're so quiet. Why can't you stay out of this you stupid bitch!"

Matt deposited Lita on the seat in front of him and bailed, "nice knowing ya. (He waved at Molly) I'm gonna watch Raven dig his way out with a spoon. Anyone else coming?"

All the guys in the room followed him out. They didn't torment Raven, they stood under the kitchen window where they could hear the screaming match.

"FILTHY WHORE." (Lita)

"FAT COW" (Molly)

"GOD DAMNED SLUT" (Lita)

"PSYCHO" (Molly)

"What's going on?" (Kurt)

"THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS" (Molly and Lita)

"YOU TRIED TO KILL ME" (Molly)

"YOU DESERVED IT" (Lita)

"BITCH" (Molly)

"SLUT" (Lita)

"WHORE" (Molly)

"SLUT" (Lita)

Molly swung and Lita hit the deck. Kurt copped a mean right hand in the mouth knocking out three teeth, all in front.

"I'm so sorry." Molly said.

"I'm not." Lita yelled thumping her in the face. 

~ Outside ~

"I can't hear anything. Do you think they're O.K.?" Asked the Rock. 

"Sssshhhhhh!!" The others all hissed at him.

Matt stood up and looked through the window, "I'm not worried. Oh oh, INCOMING!"

The bodies hit the floor as the door slid open. The only women in the house came flying through the doorway; punching, kicking and screaming. They fought their way to the shed and jumped in the ring. In Lita's corner stood Matt and Kurt stood in Molly's. Stone Cold Steve Austin, the Undertaker and the Rock stood on the neutral side watching in fascination.

~* Outside *~

"STOP LAUGHING YOU MEAN BASTARDS!" Raven yelled in exasperation.

Jeff, Edge and Maven were doubled over, tears streamed down their faces. They were howling with laughter. 

The little posse had covered Raven's bald head with dirt so only his face was showing after he had confessed that it wasn't one of his nuts that the Undertaker had eaten after all but only a chocolate coated rum ball. They weren't laughing at the fact that it wasn't one of Raven's nuts but that he had called the Undertaker a crippled hack to his face and then woken up buried in the ground.

~* Back in the shed *~

****

Note from Madame: lets get it straight right now. Molly and Lita are not wrestling. They are fighting! This is soon to erupt into a full-scale war. So prepare to see the blood flow like water.

After about 10 minutes of tooth-and-nail fighting both Lita and Molly were covered in blood, it poured down both of their faces, arms and wherever flesh had been showing. The sight of them both trying to kill each other yet again was making their audience sick. Kurt trying to replant his teeth back in his gums and Matt sitting on the steel steps were ready to call it quits. But the veterans wouldn't let them.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET DOWN FROM THERE!" Austin yelled at Kurt.

The Rock ejected Kurt from the shed, "GO BOTHER SOMEONE ELSE, JABRONI."

Matt was kinda creeped out watching the divas fighting like animals, no even animals had remorse.

"How long are you going to let them fight?" he turned away from the ring. He was by no means a squeamish guy I mean he had sewed up Kurt's forehead when Molly had bashed him but now the blood was starting to get to him.

The Undertaker didn't take his eyes from the action in the ring, "until they have nothing left to fight about."

"Good luck." Matt called. He had to get out of there. He walked outside to the yard breathing loudly. "What are you guys looking at?"

Matt strode to the bare patch of ground with a lump in it.

"God damn it's got a face." He laughed. 

Raven was not amused especially when Kurt emerged from the shed with a sharp looking shovel. 

"As an American hero I see it as my duty to help you out." He stuck to shovel in the ground.

"NO! GOOD GOD, MAKE HIM STOP! YOU IDIOT. IF YOU DIG ANY DEEPER YOU'LL SEVER MY SHOULDER FROM MY BODY." Raven cried out for all he was worth.

The Rock laughed, "yeah we wouldn't want to kill the _pigeon_."

"Raven." Said Raven.

"Pigeon." Said the Rock.

"Eat me." Said Raven.

After 20 minutes of mindless arguing and pointless name-calling. Austin emerged from the shed and Triple H came out of the house.

Matt looked up, "have they stopped?"

Stone Cold Steve Austin shook his head, "nah, they're still going strong." He looked over his shoulder briefly, "hunter. Go fetch me a spoon. A small one."

Reluctantly Triple H turned tail and got a spoon from the kitchen. "What'd I miss?"

"Well, aliens abducted and gang probed Jeff, while Maven met the woman of his dreams only to find out she was Edge in a skirt. And then…" Raven stopped when he realized the incredible disadvantage that he was at.

Austin kicked Raven a bit (just hard enough to let him know who it was, not enough to decapitate him, although that would have made life interesting), "you don't want us to dig you out but you want out. Is that right?… Speak up I can't hear you."

Raven groaned, "yes that's right."

Steve laughed, "so how exactly are you planning on getting out? If we don't dig you out and you can't… No wait I got an idea."

Austin took the spoon off Triple H and shoved it in Raven's mouth. He pointed down at him, "DIG!"

Raven shook his head to get the dirt off and started to dig himself out using the spoon, the really little spoon. 

It took roughly three minutes for everyone to fall apart. Jeff, Edge and Maven started it. They started to giggle and shove one another. 

Then Matt had to join them. 

Kurt and Triple H found it funny at the 5 minute mark. 

Finally Austin and the Rock cracked up too. 

The whole yard was laughing except Raven who realized that he would only be able to dig for so long before he couldn't reach the dirt. He knew that that would be soon. He spat out the spoon, "merciless bastards." He stayed still.

"Oh come on man… you're almost at… your own…nipples." Jeff was on the floor the tears began to flow again. 

The Undertaker walked out of the shed with two objects slung over his shoulders. They looked like potato sacks soaked in red dye.

Matt looked at them puzzled. Why had the Undertaker left the girls in the shed by themselves, had the blood gotten to him too? He was about to call out when the sack over Taker's right shoulder looked up at him.

"Christ almighty." Matt breathed in horror. The Undertaker wasn't carrying sacks he was carrying Lita and Molly. Their clothes and hair had soaked up the all the blood.

Matt hit Kurt to get his attention and ran after the deadman.

The Undertaker gently lay Molly down on the bed in the girls' room. And left her to Kurt. He lay Lita down in 'bummer' with Matt. On his next trip up the stairs he brought bandages, ointments, ice packs and two basins. He divided the medical supplies between Matt and Kurt, then boiled the kettle still in the girls' room. He filled each basin with hot water and left Matt and Kurt to their own devices.

When the Taker came out of the house, he walked slowly dragging his feet. Austin immediately saw that something was wrong and pulled him aside.

"What's with the long face and don't tell me nothing cos. that's a bunch of crap!"

"I don't know how much more of this I can take. I thought it'd be fun but you know. I just. I miss my wife, I miss my baby girl. I miss my motorbike."

"Yeah in that order I bet." Austin remarked sarcastically. 

"No really," the Undertaker shoved him, he rubbed his own forehead, "did you see them? They were ripping each other apart. I've never seen _anyone_ fight like that before. Not even my _dogs _tear chunks of each other like that."

"It's your fault. You're the one that let them fight." Austin glared at him.

"What'd you say?! You better take that back." The Undertaker and Austin stood toe to toe.

"You going deaf? I said, IT'S YOUR FAULT! WHAT? I SAID IT'S YOUR FAULT!" Austin stepped back and started to yell.

"No," the Undertaker wagged his finger at Austin, "no you're wrong. I won't sink to your level, redneck scum."

Matt Hardy and Kurt Angle stormed out of the house. Matt got to the Undertaker first, "I got a bone to pick with you. You twisted, perverted old man you let them fight for your sick amusement. Do you have any idea how badly hurt they are?"

Kurt on the other hand was pleased by the Undertaker's decision, "thanks for letting them fight. Molly's so injured she won't be able to breathe without me. (He turned to Matt) how dare you criticize this man's judgment."

****

Note from Madame: can you say full-scale war? Try with me now. 1, 2, 3…BLOODBATH!

The phrase 'redneck scum' caught the attention of everyone in the garden. 

The fact that Matt and Kurt were in on this argument increased the interest 10-fold. If they were involved it had to be good.

Matt and Kurt faded back into the ranks and like a pack of dogs they surrounded the Undertaker and Stone Cold Steve Austin. By grouping together the men in the competition had sunk to Triple H's level, the lowest common denominator. 

Criticizing the deadman's judgment and standing behind Austin was Matt Hardy, Maven and the Rock.

The others opposing Austin and backing Taker were Triple H, Edge and Kurt.

Jeff was busy taunting Raven but when he saw the magnitude of the fight about to break out he hurried to dig him out with his hands. Raven struggled against the dirt to help Jeff.

The battle began with insults thrown across the garden. Normally it would have been just harmless banter. But now was it? 

"You miss your wife was that your reason for screwing Molly?" Austin yelled at the Undertaker. 

"At least I don't beat my wife." Taker rebutted removing his fighting gloves. 

****

Note from Madame: it's on now

Everyone was fighting. Friends turned on friends, friends and enemy fought side by side. And poor Jeff and Raven were caught in no man's land. Raven got one of his arms out and he helped Jeff to dig. By the time Raven had both arms free Jeff had almost dug him the whole way out. Jeff grabbed Ravens hand and pulled him out.

"Thanks dude." Raven dusted himself off. 

Jeff shrugged, "it happens. Not often but it happens."

Raven looked at the ensuing carnage, "how could he just let them fight?"

Jeff looked at him, "it's the best way to get it out of your system. When they're hurt they'll stop."

Raven pushed Jeff and Jeff fell into the grave like hole, "but they didn't stop fighting Jeff. They didn't stop, they were both hurting and they… ugh."

Jeff tackled Raven to the ground.

Edge speared Maven and beat into his stomach. After a thumb to the eyes though Maven turned it around and left Edge on the ground holding his eye and writhing in pain.

Maven double-teamed Austin with Triple H, until a devastating low blow floored him.

~* In the US *~ 

Lights were flashing and alarms were sounding in Greenwich, Connecticut. Vince had been summoned from his sleep by his cell phone. He grabbed a dressing robe and hopped in a car. He drove straight to the WWF headquarters. As it turned out there was a full-scale war breaking out in the garden of the house. And with out exception everyone was injured. 

Vince called for doctors, EMT's and security personnel to be sent from the Australian federations and organizations to stop the fight before someone got really badly hurt and the show lost ratings.

"Sir," some anonymous editor yelled from across the room. "Its Lita, sir."

Vince looked up from a strong black coffee, "what's she doing now?"

"She's stopped breathing sir…"

The fate of the house mates rest in your hands. Tell me Madame bloodbathe who you want to see live, die, leave or stay. Email me at

mongrelle666@hotmail.com

With **fanfiction **as the subject. Hurry people's lives are on the line.


End file.
